when i was little, i used to have a recurring nightmare. it was so traumatic and consistent, that i remember it to this day.
i remember getting ready for bed and trying so hard not to think about it. i knew that as soon as i got even one small scene into my head, i wouldn't be able to sleep. but as we all know...it's almost impossible to actively forget something.
anyway. my dream. it was very simple and very short...hard to understand why it would traumatize me so much. most nights i couldn't sleep until i crawled into my parents' bed...and that wasn't always acceptable. but it was either bugging my parents or crying myself to sleep.
it started pretty normally. my sister, my mom, my grandma, and I all start out in the car at a parking lot. my mom and grandma inform me and my sister that they'd be going to the restaurant across the parking lot. a restaurant with big windows so that you could see straight into it. me and my sister were to wait by the car until they were done. ok, fine.
so, off go my mom and grandma. me and my sister are hanging out around the car, when suddenly this man comes up. he starts talking to me and my sister about his really sharp knife. at the moment, we're scared...but not completely terrified. suddenly, he grabs an orange from a tree by the car, and in order to show us just how sharp his knife is, he cuts right through it. he then grabs my sister and cuts her. and that's the end of my nightmare. there is no conclusion, he never touches me...and my mom and grandma never see a thing.
right around that time, my dream would start over...and the picture of the man cutting the orange would plague my head for minutes and hours on end.
i remember praying to God and begging him to take the nightmare away. then i would just cry.
i don't know how old i was, or how long it lasted...but i would guess i was close to 7 or 8 or even 9 years old...and i'm sure that same nightmare recurred consistently for at least a couple of months. on and off, and some weeks worse than others.
there was a time when i felt completely defeated. i couldn't take it anymore, and i couldn't bear to even get close to my bed, because i knew it would start again.
then suddenly it went away. i'm not sure when or why. but i remember being done with it one night when i could recall the dream and not let it phase me. i could remember the orange and the man and not have to live through it over and over again.
i felt so free. like a chain had been released. like i could suddenly breath after being suffocated for so long. to this day i don't completely understand what i was going through. but i know it was intense. it was terrifying, and i felt absolutely helpless.
that's a life without God.
maybe during the day, you feel okay....maybe even most of the year, you're alright. maybe for now, you're doing fine. but at night it gets tough. you run to your parents...a temporary relief, and not always willing to help...but that nightmare keeps coming back. as much as you try to avoid it, you're stuck, you're bound and helpless. you're alone. you're terrified. maybe to others, you seem okay. but when people aren't looking, you're lost. you can survive like that for a long time. maybe even for a lifetime. but, man it sucks.
and God doesn't want it that way.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1
but it doesn't end there.
"Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God."-1 Peter 2:16
i know. that was pretty intense. o well.
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
i'm so human
i don't know what's wrong with me, but let me tell you---it does NOT feel good.
it's like when you feel sad and distraught, but you know that you shouldn't, and you have no REAL reason to be feeling the way you are...so you're frustrated for being frustrated.
actually it's not like that. it IS that.
it's terrible.
i guess it's okay to be emotional every now and then. but feeling weak is no fun. that's what i feel right now. i feel weak. and i feel stupid for feeling weak.
maybe it's just one of those days.
after all, school starts tomorrow...and that in itself is enough to make me want to cry.
but it's not just that. in fact, i don't think it's that at all.
a lot of things have happened to and around me in the last couple of days. maybe it's that.
yea.
maybe.
actually. i know exactly what it is.
and it's only partly stupid.
paul rejoiced in his weakness.
when you realize how very far you are from the perfection of God, it makes him that much greater.
i think tonight, i realized it just a little bit more.
rejoice.
Love, krystal.
it's like when you feel sad and distraught, but you know that you shouldn't, and you have no REAL reason to be feeling the way you are...so you're frustrated for being frustrated.
actually it's not like that. it IS that.
it's terrible.
i guess it's okay to be emotional every now and then. but feeling weak is no fun. that's what i feel right now. i feel weak. and i feel stupid for feeling weak.
maybe it's just one of those days.
after all, school starts tomorrow...and that in itself is enough to make me want to cry.
but it's not just that. in fact, i don't think it's that at all.
a lot of things have happened to and around me in the last couple of days. maybe it's that.
yea.
maybe.
actually. i know exactly what it is.
and it's only partly stupid.
paul rejoiced in his weakness.
when you realize how very far you are from the perfection of God, it makes him that much greater.
i think tonight, i realized it just a little bit more.
rejoice.
Love, krystal.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
maybe, definitely the worst movie i have seen in a long time
i'm sure a lot of you have seen the movie i speak of: definitely, maybe.
it's happened the way i've let it happen several times before...i never get to movies until they're months and years old. it's not a big deal, i like it that way.
but this is one of those movies i'm sad NOT to have missed. (no offense, roommates who own/like this movie)
let me quickly recap, in case you've been fortunate enough not to have seen this movie:
so this little girl goes to school and is given a sex ed class. (mind you, she's probably like 10, but that's another story). so she's picked up from school by her father (who is in the process of divorcing her mother) and asks him to clarify his love life/past girlfriends to her. her hope is that he would realize that he still loves her mom and won't split up. Her dad answers with an "it's complicated", and agrees to tell her the story about 3 past serious girlfriends, but he decides to leave the names out and have his daughter guess which of the three ends up being her mother.
the rest of the movie basically consists of the story: with 3 distinct women in it, each a possible future wife and mother. (WARNING: the rest of this is a spoiler, so if you still want to watch the movie, don't read this anymore) So the daughter figures out who her mother is. She realizes that her mom and dad will not be getting back together, but also assures her dad that he should be happy. The dad then sees that he's been in love with one of the other 2 girls (not the mom), the whole time, and goes back and visits her with a gift that he had been holding on to for "years". In the end, the dad, the daughter and the NOW new girlfriend all come together for a happy ending of true love and romance. And everyone gets what they want. (whatever happens with the mom, i don't know...but it doesn't matter, right?)
to be fair, it's a great representation of the values of the modern culture. love and comfort and "doing what you heart tells you to".
this also makes it absolute crap.
what's the message here? that we should go into marriage lightly and cling on to old relationships because maybe, someday, we might actually be happy or be fortunate enough to find true love? but in the meantime, it's okay to find a temporary stand-in AKA a wife or husband and start a family that is doomed to end? but don't worry, because what ultimately matters is how you feel and how everything turns out in the end. and if it's where you're meant to go and to be, then everything will be alright.
i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
it's the epitome of selfishness. doing what i think would be best for me, no matter what. being willing to put myself before others, because that's the best way to make myself happy and "fulfilled". this wasn't a love story. it was a story about a guy who honestly feels that the world revolves around him, and ultimately sends the message that that's how everyone else should live,too. and it's all perfectly okay.
i'm sorry if this bursts your bubble, but that's not what Jesus says. This is a man who laid his life down for the sake of our iniquity and sin. He was the definition of selflessness...so what? so we could be the opposite? i don't think so.
but no one wants to watch a movie about a man and woman who get married and stay loyal to that commitment. who build a family on a foundation in God, and who struggle and have joy and trials and blessings and ultimately...give glory to God.
what about me? don't i deserve my own love story? where's my happy ending?
you're asking the wrong questions.
Love, krystal.
it's happened the way i've let it happen several times before...i never get to movies until they're months and years old. it's not a big deal, i like it that way.
but this is one of those movies i'm sad NOT to have missed. (no offense, roommates who own/like this movie)
let me quickly recap, in case you've been fortunate enough not to have seen this movie:
so this little girl goes to school and is given a sex ed class. (mind you, she's probably like 10, but that's another story). so she's picked up from school by her father (who is in the process of divorcing her mother) and asks him to clarify his love life/past girlfriends to her. her hope is that he would realize that he still loves her mom and won't split up. Her dad answers with an "it's complicated", and agrees to tell her the story about 3 past serious girlfriends, but he decides to leave the names out and have his daughter guess which of the three ends up being her mother.
the rest of the movie basically consists of the story: with 3 distinct women in it, each a possible future wife and mother. (WARNING: the rest of this is a spoiler, so if you still want to watch the movie, don't read this anymore) So the daughter figures out who her mother is. She realizes that her mom and dad will not be getting back together, but also assures her dad that he should be happy. The dad then sees that he's been in love with one of the other 2 girls (not the mom), the whole time, and goes back and visits her with a gift that he had been holding on to for "years". In the end, the dad, the daughter and the NOW new girlfriend all come together for a happy ending of true love and romance. And everyone gets what they want. (whatever happens with the mom, i don't know...but it doesn't matter, right?)
to be fair, it's a great representation of the values of the modern culture. love and comfort and "doing what you heart tells you to".
this also makes it absolute crap.
what's the message here? that we should go into marriage lightly and cling on to old relationships because maybe, someday, we might actually be happy or be fortunate enough to find true love? but in the meantime, it's okay to find a temporary stand-in AKA a wife or husband and start a family that is doomed to end? but don't worry, because what ultimately matters is how you feel and how everything turns out in the end. and if it's where you're meant to go and to be, then everything will be alright.
i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
it's the epitome of selfishness. doing what i think would be best for me, no matter what. being willing to put myself before others, because that's the best way to make myself happy and "fulfilled". this wasn't a love story. it was a story about a guy who honestly feels that the world revolves around him, and ultimately sends the message that that's how everyone else should live,too. and it's all perfectly okay.
i'm sorry if this bursts your bubble, but that's not what Jesus says. This is a man who laid his life down for the sake of our iniquity and sin. He was the definition of selflessness...so what? so we could be the opposite? i don't think so.
but no one wants to watch a movie about a man and woman who get married and stay loyal to that commitment. who build a family on a foundation in God, and who struggle and have joy and trials and blessings and ultimately...give glory to God.
what about me? don't i deserve my own love story? where's my happy ending?
you're asking the wrong questions.
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
i'm back...for now
i think of how long it's been, and i feel ashamed...
i'm sorry to have neglected you, my blog, for so long. it seems like only yesterday that we were such good friends...i'd come to you with my thoughts and concerns and you'd display them for all to see. you knew so much about me, and now, i'm afraid, we have become almost strangers; we can only see faded pictures of what used to be, and ceased long ago to claim any sort of intimacy...
really, i am sorry.
sorry enough, you ask, to come back to you?
perhaps.
i won't make any promises that i can't keep, but will you take an earnest "i will try"?
i hope so.
for old time's sake, dear blog, i would like to update you a little about my life...
the truth is, not much has changed...i'm one semester closer to freedom now, after much turmoil and stress and many, many tearful breakdowns. (what else is new?) some friends have become more, and others less...to sum it up in one word: life. it has happened, and will continue to be. and, for the time being, i'm still here.
praise God :)
Love, krystal.
p.s. i know you thought i couldn't do it, but i did. and so subtle, too. :)
i'm sorry to have neglected you, my blog, for so long. it seems like only yesterday that we were such good friends...i'd come to you with my thoughts and concerns and you'd display them for all to see. you knew so much about me, and now, i'm afraid, we have become almost strangers; we can only see faded pictures of what used to be, and ceased long ago to claim any sort of intimacy...
really, i am sorry.
sorry enough, you ask, to come back to you?
perhaps.
i won't make any promises that i can't keep, but will you take an earnest "i will try"?
i hope so.
for old time's sake, dear blog, i would like to update you a little about my life...
the truth is, not much has changed...i'm one semester closer to freedom now, after much turmoil and stress and many, many tearful breakdowns. (what else is new?) some friends have become more, and others less...to sum it up in one word: life. it has happened, and will continue to be. and, for the time being, i'm still here.
praise God :)
Love, krystal.
p.s. i know you thought i couldn't do it, but i did. and so subtle, too. :)
Friday, October 16, 2009
away from home
my brother called me for help on his algebra homework last night.
and i really wanted to be there with him...and for him to call me before he realized he might have to retake the class...
if i could ever legitimately feel guilty about being out-of-state...last night would have been one of those moments.
Love, krystal.
and i really wanted to be there with him...and for him to call me before he realized he might have to retake the class...
if i could ever legitimately feel guilty about being out-of-state...last night would have been one of those moments.
Love, krystal.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
mi hermanita
i'm so frustrated. and then i get upset for letting myself feel frustrated. it's a horrible cycle and not one that i can easily control.
anyway. i've been thinking a lot lately and journaling a lot and praying a lot. it's been good, for the most part, and i feel really comfortable just sitting with myself and God, talking over stuff and figuring things out in my head. but i also greatly appreciate the people in my life that i can talk about crazy krystal thoughts with. one of these people is my sister.
if you had known me any time before this year, you would be surprised to hear me say that. let's just say me and my sister were not exactly the best of friends for most of our lives. you'd be less surprised to hear me complain about how she would never talk to me, or ask for prayer or patience with her.
today, however, i can praise God for giving me such an amazing sister. it's such a blessing and a relief to have someone in your family that you can entrust your thoughts and emotions and feelings to...and she would agree when i say that in our family, we never really had that. And the best thing is, it's all God.
When i look at how far my sister and i have come even in the last couple of months, there's no one i can blame but God. (and blame is the wrong word, but you know what i mean).
So i thank God for my sister. and i can see now how all the difficult and frustrating and horrible experiences with her in our past has made this time so much sweeter and given God so much more glory.
i love you, max! sorry if this is embarrassing. <3
Love, krystal.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
la la la la la
i find that my favorite time to blog is exactly when i should be doing anything but. right now, for example. i have several things to do and missions to accomplish, and yet, here i am. such is life.
as i sit here, waiting for motivation (which usually doesn't come until right about the time i have no other option), i'm listening to one of my temporarily favorite songs. you know: that song that you play on repeat for about a week, then get sick of cuz you've listened to it so many times? that happens to me every week. without fail. the next time you talk to me, ask me which one it is. for the next couple of days, it will be "nada es para siempre" by luis fonsi.
when i first heard the song, courtesy of pandora, i was drawn by the music...for some reason, i liked the way it sounded. and if it wasn't for that, i'm not sure that i would be a huge fan of the song.
it's the reason i love (most) worship music. because though the sound of a song can offer a lot, ultimately, the words are empty and without meaning. i can listen to the radio for quite a bit, but ultimately, my heart longs for truth, not for nonsense. so i turn my ipod on and let my soul be filled with worship. it's such a great feeling of peace and awe and thanksgiving and joy. the stuff that only God can give.
i praise God that He has given me such a heart for worship...especially through music. it's been on my face in worship that i've come to experience so much grace and freedom and complete humility.
praise God, who hears my voice and fills me with His inexpressible joy.
Love, krystal.
as i sit here, waiting for motivation (which usually doesn't come until right about the time i have no other option), i'm listening to one of my temporarily favorite songs. you know: that song that you play on repeat for about a week, then get sick of cuz you've listened to it so many times? that happens to me every week. without fail. the next time you talk to me, ask me which one it is. for the next couple of days, it will be "nada es para siempre" by luis fonsi.
when i first heard the song, courtesy of pandora, i was drawn by the music...for some reason, i liked the way it sounded. and if it wasn't for that, i'm not sure that i would be a huge fan of the song.
it's the reason i love (most) worship music. because though the sound of a song can offer a lot, ultimately, the words are empty and without meaning. i can listen to the radio for quite a bit, but ultimately, my heart longs for truth, not for nonsense. so i turn my ipod on and let my soul be filled with worship. it's such a great feeling of peace and awe and thanksgiving and joy. the stuff that only God can give.
i praise God that He has given me such a heart for worship...especially through music. it's been on my face in worship that i've come to experience so much grace and freedom and complete humility.
praise God, who hears my voice and fills me with His inexpressible joy.
Love, krystal.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
another year.
today's my dad's birthday.
and when i called him this morning to wish him a happy one, he asked me for money and handed the phone off.
and that's pretty much how it's been all my life.
i could get angry. i could get upset. i could cry. but i've done it all before.
so i'm just gonna pray. and get back to my work.
happy birthday, papi.
Love, krystal.
and when i called him this morning to wish him a happy one, he asked me for money and handed the phone off.
and that's pretty much how it's been all my life.
i could get angry. i could get upset. i could cry. but i've done it all before.
so i'm just gonna pray. and get back to my work.
happy birthday, papi.
Love, krystal.
Monday, August 31, 2009
my heart hurts. and i'm tired.
i knew it. but i didn't want to be right.
i'm angry. i'm dissapointed. i'm overwhelmed.
but mostly, i'm just sad.
i wish there was something i could do. i wish there was a quick fix...and that i could figure it out.
but i know that it's in God's hands. and who am i to think that my plan could be better?
i just wish it didn't hurt so bad.
Love, krystal.
i'm angry. i'm dissapointed. i'm overwhelmed.
but mostly, i'm just sad.
i wish there was something i could do. i wish there was a quick fix...and that i could figure it out.
but i know that it's in God's hands. and who am i to think that my plan could be better?
i just wish it didn't hurt so bad.
Love, krystal.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
back to school
i have a huge tendency to complain. it's something i've struggled with for most of my life: just ask my mom and dad.
and most of the time, i don't mean anything by it. sometimes, i just don't know what else to say, or maybe i want to start a conversation and our common dislike of a situation seems the easiest option.
as school begins again, our schedules change, our priorities realign, our conversations shift. and as i sat in class and listened and participated in the usual conversations, i realized that it's all we ever do. we're upset at something we've been assigned; annoyed at the busy schedule; aware of a teacher's incompetence; or just plain tired. "did you hear what dr. so and so said?" "can you believe we have to buy that book?" "don't you hate so and so and the way she always has a question?"
i wonder what jesus has to say about us. how annoyed must he be as he sits among us and is dissapointed in our words over and over again?
besides. why do we do it? don't we just want to validate our own issues and feelings? isn't it really just a really prideful and self-righteous exercise? maybe making fun of the teacher will help me fit in, maybe i can hide the fact that i'm scared i won't be able to do it if i make sure everyone knows that i think the expectations are ridiculous.
we're so vain. we're so prideful and selfish. whatever happened to humility and turning the other cheek? why can't i accept the place God has me in and seek to work as unto Him at all times, without whining about things i can't control?
"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." phil.2:14-16
I really do need to work on that.
Love, krystal
and most of the time, i don't mean anything by it. sometimes, i just don't know what else to say, or maybe i want to start a conversation and our common dislike of a situation seems the easiest option.
as school begins again, our schedules change, our priorities realign, our conversations shift. and as i sat in class and listened and participated in the usual conversations, i realized that it's all we ever do. we're upset at something we've been assigned; annoyed at the busy schedule; aware of a teacher's incompetence; or just plain tired. "did you hear what dr. so and so said?" "can you believe we have to buy that book?" "don't you hate so and so and the way she always has a question?"
i wonder what jesus has to say about us. how annoyed must he be as he sits among us and is dissapointed in our words over and over again?
besides. why do we do it? don't we just want to validate our own issues and feelings? isn't it really just a really prideful and self-righteous exercise? maybe making fun of the teacher will help me fit in, maybe i can hide the fact that i'm scared i won't be able to do it if i make sure everyone knows that i think the expectations are ridiculous.
we're so vain. we're so prideful and selfish. whatever happened to humility and turning the other cheek? why can't i accept the place God has me in and seek to work as unto Him at all times, without whining about things i can't control?
"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." phil.2:14-16
I really do need to work on that.
Love, krystal
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I-10 adventures
i drive a good amount. during the semester i drive to and from school basically everyday, and i run errands and you know, normal stuff like that. also, twice a semester (at the beginning and the end) i drive from tempe,AZ to lakewood, CA or vice versa: about a 6 hour endeavor.
this last friday i stuck to tradition and drove down here from CA. as i was driving on the I-10 (oh blessed I-10), i found myself constantly surrounded by large trailer trucks. i understand the importance of these trucks, and the sadness that they must feel being away from home and lonely for so long at a time, not even able to drive at a normal 75mph speed, but stuck at their 55-60mph limit. but after having to slow down and throw my cruise control off for the hundredth time just so these trucks could bypass each other and play their little "i'm faster than you" games, i just about lost all of my compassion for them. it was at about this point that i remembered to look on their back doors and catch a glimpse at the phrase "how's my driving?". i then glanced down at the number below the lovely phrase and decided once and for all to let them know how i really felt. here is what happened:
h.m.d.(how's my driving): good morning, this is bob* (*real names have been changed).
me: hi, i wanted to comment on someone's driving.
h.m.d.: yes, that would be me.
me: wait? you're the guy driving a red trailer truck on the I-10 eastbound?
h.m.d.: yep, what's up?
me: well. you just cut me off and made me slow down just so you could beat your little friend in the blue truck...i think that qualifies as bad driving.
h.m.d.: hmmm. i disagree.
me: i'm sorry, i didn't call "how's my driving" to have someone disagree with me...i called to let you know that, well, your driving's horrible and i think you should quit or at least get fired.
h.m.d.: ok. i'll log it in my official comment book.
me: i don't believe you. what kind of system allows their own drivers to record complaints? if you ask me, it's completely illogical.
h.m.d.: thank you maam. i will be sure to let them know.
me: are you kidding me?! can i get your supervisor on th..(click).
or at least, that's what would have happened if i had actually called. all i really did was tailgate him until he got over to the other lane and sped away.
Love, krystal.
this last friday i stuck to tradition and drove down here from CA. as i was driving on the I-10 (oh blessed I-10), i found myself constantly surrounded by large trailer trucks. i understand the importance of these trucks, and the sadness that they must feel being away from home and lonely for so long at a time, not even able to drive at a normal 75mph speed, but stuck at their 55-60mph limit. but after having to slow down and throw my cruise control off for the hundredth time just so these trucks could bypass each other and play their little "i'm faster than you" games, i just about lost all of my compassion for them. it was at about this point that i remembered to look on their back doors and catch a glimpse at the phrase "how's my driving?". i then glanced down at the number below the lovely phrase and decided once and for all to let them know how i really felt. here is what happened:
h.m.d.(how's my driving): good morning, this is bob* (*real names have been changed).
me: hi, i wanted to comment on someone's driving.
h.m.d.: yes, that would be me.
me: wait? you're the guy driving a red trailer truck on the I-10 eastbound?
h.m.d.: yep, what's up?
me: well. you just cut me off and made me slow down just so you could beat your little friend in the blue truck...i think that qualifies as bad driving.
h.m.d.: hmmm. i disagree.
me: i'm sorry, i didn't call "how's my driving" to have someone disagree with me...i called to let you know that, well, your driving's horrible and i think you should quit or at least get fired.
h.m.d.: ok. i'll log it in my official comment book.
me: i don't believe you. what kind of system allows their own drivers to record complaints? if you ask me, it's completely illogical.
h.m.d.: thank you maam. i will be sure to let them know.
me: are you kidding me?! can i get your supervisor on th..(click).
or at least, that's what would have happened if i had actually called. all i really did was tailgate him until he got over to the other lane and sped away.
Love, krystal.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
bad day
ugh.
there are some days that i just can't take it. it's just too much.
i know i should be nice. i know i should just deal with it and let it go. but everything inside me wants to scream. how dare you! i want to yell. leave me alone! you don't deserve my attention! you don't deserve my obedience!
but even as i think of everything i want to say, i know in my heart that it's exactly what satan wants. he doesn't want me to let it go. he tells me over and over that i have the right to be angry and upset. but he's wrong.
and it's the days i start to believe him that i suffer the most.
i'm sorry, God. i'm sorry, dad.
Love, krystal.
there are some days that i just can't take it. it's just too much.
i know i should be nice. i know i should just deal with it and let it go. but everything inside me wants to scream. how dare you! i want to yell. leave me alone! you don't deserve my attention! you don't deserve my obedience!
but even as i think of everything i want to say, i know in my heart that it's exactly what satan wants. he doesn't want me to let it go. he tells me over and over that i have the right to be angry and upset. but he's wrong.
and it's the days i start to believe him that i suffer the most.
i'm sorry, God. i'm sorry, dad.
Love, krystal.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
royal foot and spa place
i got my first massage ever the other day. it was mainly a foot massage with a little back and legs action. sound awkward? yes. it was.
i mean, it was really nice, once i got over the fact that some 20-something chinese guy who only knew about 2 words of english was touching my feet...with lotion...
let's just say i'm really happy to know i will probably never see that guy again.
i realize i haven't actually said anything of substance, but i just needed to throw that out there.
moral of the story: massages are nice. travel far from home for them.....and tip your masseuse.
Love, krystal
i mean, it was really nice, once i got over the fact that some 20-something chinese guy who only knew about 2 words of english was touching my feet...with lotion...
let's just say i'm really happy to know i will probably never see that guy again.
i realize i haven't actually said anything of substance, but i just needed to throw that out there.
moral of the story: massages are nice. travel far from home for them.....and tip your masseuse.
Love, krystal
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
glory days
i went to the park yesterday. it was a nice park. the weather was good and i got to spend some quality time alone. the only thing different about this park is that it was situated right behind my old high school.
i was there at around 5ish. from where i was sitting, i could see the chairs set up for the graduation that evening. no one was there quite yet, just empty chairs and an empty stage...exactly the way it looked three years ago, when i got to sit in my yellow robe. well, i guess technically it was supposed to be gold, but anyone with less than average vision could see that it was definitely yellow. but we're getting off subject here.
i spent most of my time there, on the bench in the shade, reminiscing. i couldn't help it. as much as i wanted to think of other things, my mind kept going back to the six years of my life spent at that school. my first thought was holy crap. six years. the rest of my thoughts weren't quite as pleasant.
i don't think about whitney high much. i spent more than a fourth of my life there, but most of the time, those years stay out of my head. (for those who don't know, my high school was really a middle school and a high school put together. a small one, at that.)
i don't mean to put anyone down---classmates or teachers. in fact, there were some that i really loved.
but on the whole, i hated it. i know it's a strong word,and i am fully aware of its implication. but it's the best word i can think of.
i hated feeling judged. whether it was true or not, it's what i felt every second i stepped into that place. i never looked good enough, i never said the right thing, i wasn't smart enough, i wasn't funny enough, i was invisible and yet everyone could see my every flaw.
nobody knew me. and i was fully convinced that that's the way everyone liked it.
when i hear people say that high school was the best time of their life, or watch them get excited about going back home and getting to see their best friends from then, i can't relate. i'm pretty sure that no one from high school would recognize me today. i'm not that person anymore.
as all these random flashbacks kept coming, i had to stop and remember that the person sitting on the bench, looking back at her school, was not the same. and for that, God gets all the glory.
i know that in those six years, God was there. i talked to Him a lot. cried and yelled at Him too. and He was faithful. He knew my pain better than i did. and He saw me, even then, sitting on that bench.
maybe sometimes it's good to look back--to recognize that GOD alone has brought us this far, but mostly i think about what Paul says in phillipians: "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (v.13-14)
brothers and sisters, there's no way that i could have gotten here without God. but i will do this: forget about the past and what lies behind me, and look forward to what God has yet in store for me. I continue to move toward the goal for the greatest prize of all: the upward call of God in Christ Jesus my SAVIOR.
Love, krystal.
i was there at around 5ish. from where i was sitting, i could see the chairs set up for the graduation that evening. no one was there quite yet, just empty chairs and an empty stage...exactly the way it looked three years ago, when i got to sit in my yellow robe. well, i guess technically it was supposed to be gold, but anyone with less than average vision could see that it was definitely yellow. but we're getting off subject here.
i spent most of my time there, on the bench in the shade, reminiscing. i couldn't help it. as much as i wanted to think of other things, my mind kept going back to the six years of my life spent at that school. my first thought was holy crap. six years. the rest of my thoughts weren't quite as pleasant.
i don't think about whitney high much. i spent more than a fourth of my life there, but most of the time, those years stay out of my head. (for those who don't know, my high school was really a middle school and a high school put together. a small one, at that.)
i don't mean to put anyone down---classmates or teachers. in fact, there were some that i really loved.
but on the whole, i hated it. i know it's a strong word,and i am fully aware of its implication. but it's the best word i can think of.
i hated feeling judged. whether it was true or not, it's what i felt every second i stepped into that place. i never looked good enough, i never said the right thing, i wasn't smart enough, i wasn't funny enough, i was invisible and yet everyone could see my every flaw.
nobody knew me. and i was fully convinced that that's the way everyone liked it.
when i hear people say that high school was the best time of their life, or watch them get excited about going back home and getting to see their best friends from then, i can't relate. i'm pretty sure that no one from high school would recognize me today. i'm not that person anymore.
as all these random flashbacks kept coming, i had to stop and remember that the person sitting on the bench, looking back at her school, was not the same. and for that, God gets all the glory.
i know that in those six years, God was there. i talked to Him a lot. cried and yelled at Him too. and He was faithful. He knew my pain better than i did. and He saw me, even then, sitting on that bench.
maybe sometimes it's good to look back--to recognize that GOD alone has brought us this far, but mostly i think about what Paul says in phillipians: "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (v.13-14)
brothers and sisters, there's no way that i could have gotten here without God. but i will do this: forget about the past and what lies behind me, and look forward to what God has yet in store for me. I continue to move toward the goal for the greatest prize of all: the upward call of God in Christ Jesus my SAVIOR.
Love, krystal.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
dear ________,
it hurts pretty bad, seeing you like this. there's so much pain there. there's loneliness and sadness and silent desperation, and you try so hard to make sure no one notices. but how can i ignore the lost look in your eyes? how can i pretend that the smiles are genuine when i can tell they take every little bit of energy you have left?
i want to hear your story. i want you to let me into your life, even after you've rejected me for so many years. every time you tell me you "don't like to talk about stuff like that", i can't help but feel like you've kicked me in the stomach again. i hate that feeling. i wish you would stop treating me like a stranger.
but mostly i want you to let God in. i want you to realize that this life you've been living doesn't have to be this way. that there's a God who loves you more than you can imagine...that He knows every secret and offers His grace anyway. He's a God who offers you glorious and inexpressible joy, and He's been wanting you to take it for a really long time.
you don't have to trust me. i admit it, i'm imperfect. though i would love to hear you talk about anything even somewhat significant, it really wouldn't matter cuz i can't solve your problems. as much as i want to make a difference, i WILL fail you, and i'm sure i already have. but i will never stop praying that you would trust a GOD who never fails. ever.
i love you. but Jesus loves you more.
Love, krystal.
i want to hear your story. i want you to let me into your life, even after you've rejected me for so many years. every time you tell me you "don't like to talk about stuff like that", i can't help but feel like you've kicked me in the stomach again. i hate that feeling. i wish you would stop treating me like a stranger.
but mostly i want you to let God in. i want you to realize that this life you've been living doesn't have to be this way. that there's a God who loves you more than you can imagine...that He knows every secret and offers His grace anyway. He's a God who offers you glorious and inexpressible joy, and He's been wanting you to take it for a really long time.
you don't have to trust me. i admit it, i'm imperfect. though i would love to hear you talk about anything even somewhat significant, it really wouldn't matter cuz i can't solve your problems. as much as i want to make a difference, i WILL fail you, and i'm sure i already have. but i will never stop praying that you would trust a GOD who never fails. ever.
i love you. but Jesus loves you more.
Love, krystal.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
mere humans
God.
If it hurts me so much to see Your people get caught up in satan's lies and false promises, how much must it hurt You?
You want to see us embrace Your love, Your perfection, Your promise to make us blameless and holy. But we are without true love, imperfect, guilty, and sinful. And yet You take these weak vessels and use them for Your glory.
Because without You, we are mere humans...reaching for fulfillment and coming up empty.
God.
Thanks
Love, krystal.
If it hurts me so much to see Your people get caught up in satan's lies and false promises, how much must it hurt You?
You want to see us embrace Your love, Your perfection, Your promise to make us blameless and holy. But we are without true love, imperfect, guilty, and sinful. And yet You take these weak vessels and use them for Your glory.
Because without You, we are mere humans...reaching for fulfillment and coming up empty.
God.
Thanks
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
horror film
ugh.
sometimes i can't stand myself. i feel like i'm watching myself on a movie screen and i'm screaming "stop!", "don't go there!", "don't do that!", "don't think that!", "don't say that!", but nothing happens. it's times like these when i understand completely what paul is saying in romans 7:
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
and i have to remind myself of the depravity of my own flesh. the imperfection that remains in me as long as i am bound to my body. and as disgusting as this is to me, it can only further magnify the grace of my God. a God who, knowing that I have NOTHING good within me, chose to save me anyway. who does that? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Love, krystal
sometimes i can't stand myself. i feel like i'm watching myself on a movie screen and i'm screaming "stop!", "don't go there!", "don't do that!", "don't think that!", "don't say that!", but nothing happens. it's times like these when i understand completely what paul is saying in romans 7:
14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
and i have to remind myself of the depravity of my own flesh. the imperfection that remains in me as long as i am bound to my body. and as disgusting as this is to me, it can only further magnify the grace of my God. a God who, knowing that I have NOTHING good within me, chose to save me anyway. who does that? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Love, krystal
Sunday, April 19, 2009
when tragedy strikes
i cry a lot. it's not usually a big deal because it's frequently triggered by a sad movie, or sympathy or something. but since i was little i've had a problem keeping the tears from coming. if i was angry, i would cry. if i was frustrated, i would cry. if anything uncomfortable was going on, i would cry. when something was out of my control, i would cry. it has caused me a lot of anxiety in my life. everytime i would get a not-so-great grade, or i couldn't figure out a homework problem or something, the tears would start streaming down my face, to the horror of the people around me. it got to the point where i had to warn people about it...tell them that nothing was wrong, that my body was just a little whack at the moment and that it would go away soon enough. and it has also made me feel weak. i can't even think to count the number of times i've felt absolutely ridiculous and angry at myself for allowing the tears to fall...consequently giving my body even more reason to keep the tears coming. it's a great strength and a horrible weakness to cry...and i've had my share of both.
my life now has been blessed enough to not have great reason for tears. it's rare that i get anxious or nervous or sad enough to let out a legitimate cry. i would say that my weakness and prone-ness to crying is the same, but my life is not so nearly dramatic. thank God.
yesterday, however, it happened again. many of you know, and many of you don't, that i experienced a great "tragedy" yesterday. i got up early in the morning and made it to the library in good time, prepared to do some work for the next couple of hours---i had somewhere to be that evening. all was well until about 4 hours into my working, when my word processer decided that it was done for the day. that would have been all well and good if it had warned me and allowed me to save my work. but it didn't, because that's the kind of inconsiderate program that it is. and so...after quite a few hours of plugging away, i lost everything. it was as if i had never even started.
at first i was just shocked. hadn't really taken it in, thought it was a figment of my imagination, etc. but no. it was true, as real as you and me. and so the tears started flowing. i could barely feel them at first, that's how numb i was. but i knew that any second i would explode.
i walked to the bathroom, tears pouring down my face, and stood in front of the mirror. then every emotion streamed out. anxiety, frustration, desperation, anger, hurt, confusion. and i couldn't stop. i just stared at my contorted expression for a while and let the tears sting my face.
i hadn't felt that way in a while.
no one had died. my family was fine. my friends still loved me. my God was still my Savior. and i still had more than enough time to finish the assignment. but my tears didn't care. they just wanted to fall. and so they did.
i've been thinking about it a lot and have come to a frightful and heart-wrenching realization. as much as it hurt to lose 4 hours of work, there are so many things that will hurt so much more. and i don't know if i'll be able to take it. people that i love too much to explain are moving on and i don't think i'm ready to let go. but i have to remember the one verse that i kept repeating those couple of minutes in the lovely bathroom: "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD, which TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." The Lord of the Universe is my shelter and my comfort--i trust in HIM.
Love, krystal.
my life now has been blessed enough to not have great reason for tears. it's rare that i get anxious or nervous or sad enough to let out a legitimate cry. i would say that my weakness and prone-ness to crying is the same, but my life is not so nearly dramatic. thank God.
yesterday, however, it happened again. many of you know, and many of you don't, that i experienced a great "tragedy" yesterday. i got up early in the morning and made it to the library in good time, prepared to do some work for the next couple of hours---i had somewhere to be that evening. all was well until about 4 hours into my working, when my word processer decided that it was done for the day. that would have been all well and good if it had warned me and allowed me to save my work. but it didn't, because that's the kind of inconsiderate program that it is. and so...after quite a few hours of plugging away, i lost everything. it was as if i had never even started.
at first i was just shocked. hadn't really taken it in, thought it was a figment of my imagination, etc. but no. it was true, as real as you and me. and so the tears started flowing. i could barely feel them at first, that's how numb i was. but i knew that any second i would explode.
i walked to the bathroom, tears pouring down my face, and stood in front of the mirror. then every emotion streamed out. anxiety, frustration, desperation, anger, hurt, confusion. and i couldn't stop. i just stared at my contorted expression for a while and let the tears sting my face.
i hadn't felt that way in a while.
no one had died. my family was fine. my friends still loved me. my God was still my Savior. and i still had more than enough time to finish the assignment. but my tears didn't care. they just wanted to fall. and so they did.
i've been thinking about it a lot and have come to a frightful and heart-wrenching realization. as much as it hurt to lose 4 hours of work, there are so many things that will hurt so much more. and i don't know if i'll be able to take it. people that i love too much to explain are moving on and i don't think i'm ready to let go. but i have to remember the one verse that i kept repeating those couple of minutes in the lovely bathroom: "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD, which TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." The Lord of the Universe is my shelter and my comfort--i trust in HIM.
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
it's true, this entire outfit for only 50 cents
i've heard you refer to me as "cheap", "frugal", or a "bargain shopper" several times in my life, and to be honest, you're absolutely right. ever since i was little, i was taught to seek out sales and to buy cheap-- although not at the expense of quality. it was one of the family traits that i carried on well. even my mom thinks i'm too frugal sometimes...and that's saying something. it boggles me sometimes when i witness non-frugal shopping, or watch as amateurs buy yard-sale items at asking price. but i think i've come to realize that it's not their fault. they just don't know any better. that's why i've decided to give out a few tips on getting the biggest "bang for your buck" (i have to admit that phrase is somewhat disturbing to me)
1. the 80% rule: so you're at target and you see a pair of jeans and you think "hmmm, i bet the original price for those jeans is about 30 bucks". naturally, the only acceptable price to pay would be 6$ or less. and don't let the original price on the tag fool you...if your gut says they're worth 30 bucks, then that's what they're worth. end of story.
2. yard sales: don't be afraid of being ridiculous. this is a yard sale, not goodwill. when the seller says 5$, say "how about 2?"...chances are some negotiation will ensue, at which point you'll agree on 3$...which, for a dining room set, isn't bad.
3. always be alert: sales don't come looking for you. if anything, they hide away in little corners, or stay out for only hours at a time. always be prepared to take advantage of a 2$ pair of shoes--who cares if they're bright yellow, us bargain buyers can find a way to use them.
a. avoid compulsion: bargain buyers tend to be prone to buying on a whim. though good deals are usually ideal to take advantage of, sometimes, you just don't need it. step away from the 2$ bag of 8 lbs of sunflower seeds...even if it causes you to shed a tear or two.
4. don't give in: i think this is one of the most important aspects of bargain shopping. once you've committed to buying cheap, there's no turning back. there are times when you'll be tempted to pay full price, when there seem to be no other options...DON'T DO IT. be strong. you can live without food for at least a week. be willing to make the sacrifice.
bargain-shopping is not for the weak of heart or mind. it is a life-long commitment to frugality and everlasting sale-seeking. accept it if you will.
Love, krystal
1. the 80% rule: so you're at target and you see a pair of jeans and you think "hmmm, i bet the original price for those jeans is about 30 bucks". naturally, the only acceptable price to pay would be 6$ or less. and don't let the original price on the tag fool you...if your gut says they're worth 30 bucks, then that's what they're worth. end of story.
2. yard sales: don't be afraid of being ridiculous. this is a yard sale, not goodwill. when the seller says 5$, say "how about 2?"...chances are some negotiation will ensue, at which point you'll agree on 3$...which, for a dining room set, isn't bad.
3. always be alert: sales don't come looking for you. if anything, they hide away in little corners, or stay out for only hours at a time. always be prepared to take advantage of a 2$ pair of shoes--who cares if they're bright yellow, us bargain buyers can find a way to use them.
a. avoid compulsion: bargain buyers tend to be prone to buying on a whim. though good deals are usually ideal to take advantage of, sometimes, you just don't need it. step away from the 2$ bag of 8 lbs of sunflower seeds...even if it causes you to shed a tear or two.
4. don't give in: i think this is one of the most important aspects of bargain shopping. once you've committed to buying cheap, there's no turning back. there are times when you'll be tempted to pay full price, when there seem to be no other options...DON'T DO IT. be strong. you can live without food for at least a week. be willing to make the sacrifice.
bargain-shopping is not for the weak of heart or mind. it is a life-long commitment to frugality and everlasting sale-seeking. accept it if you will.
Love, krystal
Sunday, April 5, 2009
love in the ballpark
i was listening to a song in the car today--thanks to bekah--and it was called "out of my league". it was a funny song, basically a guy expressing all the ways in which his girlfriend/girl-friend? was ,well, out of his league. but this song...however great some people might think that it is...is not the point of this post.
my focus here lies in the phrase: "out of my league"
i understand the concept. basically, when a person feels that another person--usually of some romantic interest--is perhaps of better quality or higher caliber than him/herself. it makes sense, although i would never use the phrase myself. but i think the bigger question here is, what happened to "in my league"? the phrase seems to have been completely overlooked. and really, it's quite a shame.
take zack for example. he's a pretty cool guy, plays the guitar, knows a couple of interesting jokes, not strikingly handsome, but definitely above average. he's your typical guy and tonight, he's at a friend's house, hanging out with his peeps. his good friend ernie is there and he spots a girl across the room. she's a little shorter than average height, brunette, brown eyes, has a nice shirt and jeans on, and rumor has it, she's a pretty good student. so ernie turns to zach and says, "hey, you should go talk to that girl over there...she's in your league..." and zach, being the sensible guy that he is, heads over to the girl and says "so i noticed that you and me, we might be in the same league, and i was wondering if you didn't mind dancing with me for a bit?" "sure", girl says, "i agree with that statement." two weeks later, they're married.
unfortunately, because, as a society, we have completely ignored the flip side of the phrase "out of my league", millions of people have been refused their right to know that certain others are in their league, and so we have destroyed the increased amount of happiness that this world truly deserves.
so what is our hesitation? what is our bias against this combination of words? i submit that there should be none.
Love, krystal.
p.s.
for the record...if you ever tell me i'm "in your league", i will kick you in the face. that's just rude.
my focus here lies in the phrase: "out of my league"
i understand the concept. basically, when a person feels that another person--usually of some romantic interest--is perhaps of better quality or higher caliber than him/herself. it makes sense, although i would never use the phrase myself. but i think the bigger question here is, what happened to "in my league"? the phrase seems to have been completely overlooked. and really, it's quite a shame.
take zack for example. he's a pretty cool guy, plays the guitar, knows a couple of interesting jokes, not strikingly handsome, but definitely above average. he's your typical guy and tonight, he's at a friend's house, hanging out with his peeps. his good friend ernie is there and he spots a girl across the room. she's a little shorter than average height, brunette, brown eyes, has a nice shirt and jeans on, and rumor has it, she's a pretty good student. so ernie turns to zach and says, "hey, you should go talk to that girl over there...she's in your league..." and zach, being the sensible guy that he is, heads over to the girl and says "so i noticed that you and me, we might be in the same league, and i was wondering if you didn't mind dancing with me for a bit?" "sure", girl says, "i agree with that statement." two weeks later, they're married.
unfortunately, because, as a society, we have completely ignored the flip side of the phrase "out of my league", millions of people have been refused their right to know that certain others are in their league, and so we have destroyed the increased amount of happiness that this world truly deserves.
so what is our hesitation? what is our bias against this combination of words? i submit that there should be none.
Love, krystal.
p.s.
for the record...if you ever tell me i'm "in your league", i will kick you in the face. that's just rude.
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