Tuesday, November 18, 2008

a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day...maybe.

i had a horrible experience today. in many ways, it was humbling, but mostly it was painful.

so i had a competency today---basically, i have to perform a health assessment in front of one of my nursing teachers. this health assessment consists of a long list of steps assessing various parts of the body and dictating as well as documenting a list of normal findings.

my goal for today was, and always has been, to memorize. memorize when to say what, and what to do when. it's pretty much all my brain can handle. so i did it. in fact, i would say that i was pretty confident going into the "exam"

we picked cards. i got to go first. great. i also got the part of the examination that i thought was the most difficult. great.

but it's fine, right...cuz i know what i'm doing.

that was, until the questions started. question after question of: what are you doing? why are you doing that? what would an abnormal result be indicitave of? why don't you know the answer?
finally, i couldn't speak. i couldn't answer her questions, i couldn't move, i couldn't think of what was next. my hands trembled from fear and anger and frustration and nervousness and bitterness and sadness. my eyes moistened, but i refused to let her see my tears.
everything i said she refuted. every word i uttered she hurled right back at my face.

finally it was over. i was dissapointed. she was smug. i felt incompetent, worthless, and completely speechless. i couldn't smile. i could barely move. and she couldn't have cared less. but i couldn't run away...i couldn't even protest.
she broke me. i let her break me.
for a while all i could see was failure.

i sat in my car and cried.

why did her words hurt me so much? why was i so easily destroyed?

sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words just broke my heart.

i feel a lot better now. i know i'm not worthless or incompetent, but i sure am weak. and maybe that's a good thing.

and i think i might understand Paul a little better now.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10

thanks, God.

love, krystal

Sunday, November 16, 2008

10 things I must have when I own my own home.

1. multi-colored walls: none of this boring neutral color stuff. there will be stripes, polka dots, rainbows...ok, well, maybe not rainbows, but yea.

2. a music room: with a piano, couple of guitars, karaoke machine...sounds amazing.

3. mood lighting. i.e. white christmas lights everywhere...or at least in the kitchen.

4. a library: stocked with books of every kind. from harry potter to c.s. lewis to dean koontz. plus, a bible in every version.

5. a huge bean bag that fits at least 5 people.

6. an extensive DVD collection composed mostly of romantic comedies and tv series.

7. abstract art. because it makes no sense and yet, you can't help staring at it. or maybe that's just me?

8. every appliance from the "as seen on TV" store. then everyone would be eternally jealous.

9. a pool with a diving board and a couple of slides. and a sauna.

10. a husband.

actually...i think i could do with just the last one.

love, krystal.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

who's krystal?

i should be studying right now, but i just don't want to.
why don't i want to? i don't know. in fact, there are a lot of things about my mood at this very moment that i don't quite understand. i'm not sure if this is a girl thing or an everyone thing, or just a me thing, but sometimes i just get to this weird point where the things i'm feeling and the thoughts i'm having are completely whack. (ooo, i just looked at the clock and it's 11:11)
i feel desperation for no reason at all. i feel frustration, sadness, anger, apathy, empathy, confusion, BLAH.
and it's not like a "i hate myself, i hate the world, i want to die, i hate god" thing. it's not even close. it's just UNKNOWN. like there's this part of myself that i haven't yet discovered and it surfaces every once in a while, just to remind me that it's still there.
or maybe i've just been trying so hard and putting so much effort into my life recently that my brain and my body just decided it's done. or maybe it's just resting for a day or so.

maybe if i transcribe some parts of my internal dialogue i can figure out what's going on.

1: i don't know what to do with myself
2: you're sad
1: maybe i'll watch tv
2: you're happy
1: i'm hungry
2: you wanna dance
1: i'm tired
2: you should eat
1: i feel like crap
2: you have a test on friday
1: what's going on with my head?
2: Obama won
1: what is that?! where am i?!
2: it's late

nope. it didn't help. especially since i'm not even sure who 1 and 2 are.

whatevs. i need to study. but i don't want to.

love, krystal