Tuesday, November 18, 2008

a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day...maybe.

i had a horrible experience today. in many ways, it was humbling, but mostly it was painful.

so i had a competency today---basically, i have to perform a health assessment in front of one of my nursing teachers. this health assessment consists of a long list of steps assessing various parts of the body and dictating as well as documenting a list of normal findings.

my goal for today was, and always has been, to memorize. memorize when to say what, and what to do when. it's pretty much all my brain can handle. so i did it. in fact, i would say that i was pretty confident going into the "exam"

we picked cards. i got to go first. great. i also got the part of the examination that i thought was the most difficult. great.

but it's fine, right...cuz i know what i'm doing.

that was, until the questions started. question after question of: what are you doing? why are you doing that? what would an abnormal result be indicitave of? why don't you know the answer?
finally, i couldn't speak. i couldn't answer her questions, i couldn't move, i couldn't think of what was next. my hands trembled from fear and anger and frustration and nervousness and bitterness and sadness. my eyes moistened, but i refused to let her see my tears.
everything i said she refuted. every word i uttered she hurled right back at my face.

finally it was over. i was dissapointed. she was smug. i felt incompetent, worthless, and completely speechless. i couldn't smile. i could barely move. and she couldn't have cared less. but i couldn't run away...i couldn't even protest.
she broke me. i let her break me.
for a while all i could see was failure.

i sat in my car and cried.

why did her words hurt me so much? why was i so easily destroyed?

sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words just broke my heart.

i feel a lot better now. i know i'm not worthless or incompetent, but i sure am weak. and maybe that's a good thing.

and i think i might understand Paul a little better now.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10

thanks, God.

love, krystal

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