Monday, February 14, 2011

take care.

take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. but exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.
hebrews 3:12-13

good word.

Love, krystal.

san valentin no le atino con su disparo

yesterday was terrible.
nausea must be from the devil.
spent all day hunched over a trash can while my body decided it wanted to empty me of everything it had.
and i was really looking forward to yesterday.
now it's tomorrow.

happy valentine's day.

Love, krystal.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


a list of things i can see from where i'm sitting at work:
1. empty large smartwater container. probably the reason i've gone to the bathroom already 3 times
so far and am getting the feeling i need to go again.
2. sea island cotton lotion, courtesy of bath & body works. very necessary when you have to wash your
hands every 5 minutes. with alcohol.
3. medical charts. containing all the information you never thought you'd have to share with an
entire floor of nurses and doctors.
4. my stethescope. shining as bright as ever in its neon yellow color.
5. my phone. sadly receiving no calls or texts seeing as everyone who has my number is currently
6. some ambien. for the patients who love me so much, they can't sleep knowing i'm still awake.
(for those of you who don't know, ambien is for sleep)
7. my hands. though i can't tell by just looking, i can feel the lack of heat. there is no way it is 85
degrees in here. stupid thermostat.
8. a blanket. which was once warm and toasty straight from our blanket warmer, but has long
since lost its glory and now lies abandoned on the chair next to me.
9. a red pen. used to sign my lovely name followed by the glorious abbreviation: RN.
10. my notes. covered in all the information i need to process and apply as i take care of my
patients. some more difficult than others.

i tell you this, not because you care, but because i obviously have nothing better to do. it's a quiet night
after a long string of not so quiet nights. it's refreshing and i'm definitely not complaining, but what
better thing to do with my time than share my thoughts with the world? it's fortunate, perhaps, that
the world in this sense of the word is not the world at all, but only just the few who frequent this page
at least once in a blue moon. let me just take this time to thank you for your continued support. whomever
you may be. is it whomever or whoever?

i would like to thank you furthermore with another list.

a list of reasons you should continue to read my blog:
1. it makes me feel good.
2. it makes you feel something. whether it be apathy, annoyance, amusement, or anger.
3. i just now nonchalantly made a list of emotions all starting with the letter "a" without even trying.
4. i also just used the word "nonchalantly" for the first time in my life: just for you. <3
5. you have nothing better to do. <-- it may sound as if i am minimizing the importance of your life,
but what i really mean by this statement is: it gives you something to do if and ONLY if you have nothing
better to do.
6. thinking of you, reading my blog, it lights up my thoughts! (this may sound a lot like the first with it)
7. you can learn from my mistakes. i can't really pinpoint any at the moment, but i'm sure i've made plenty of
them---just read my blog!
8. i will eventually get better at list-making.
9. if i ever get famous, i will personally thank you for sticking with it.
10. i love you. what more do you want from me?

Love, krystal.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

does the shadow mean no more winter?

today is groundhog day. aka nino's birthday.
happy 16th, mon frere.

random day. a lot of driving. not my favorite but such is life.

sitting in the hallway trying to decide when to break the news to my lovely roommate that she's sleeping in the wrong bed. not only the wrong bed, but my bed.
can't go downstairs cuz it's occupied.
desperately hungry but it's too late to eat. that's what happens when you take naps in the evening and miss dinner.
it's probably the reason i'm not in a hurry to claim my bed...i just woke up from a fabulous nap a few hours ago.

rent is due. i should get on that.

taxes for the first time in my life. intimidating is the word that comes to mind. i need to find a tax friend. aka a friend who really likes doing taxes...or just a friend who knows how to do them and really likes me.
i'm instinctively wary of tax people. aka people who get paid to do taxes and work for big tax companies. maybe i'm just greedy.

nostalgia is not something i dwell in much. i tend to focus on the present. however, i'm feeling a little bit nostalgic. maybe it's the taxes thing.

been reading some books from the library. completely random ones i grabbed from the same section of the fiction bookshelves. consequently, all the authors' names start with a K. i have now started the 3rd book. i'm about a third through the first one and about 2 short stories into the second. i must say i'm not a huge fan of short stories. i think that for the most part they try too hard to be noticed. probably cuz they're not long enough to give themselves time, so they throw everything into a handful of pages and then you're stuck trying to interpret a book's worth of ideas and ramblings that have been not so cohesively jammed into 10 pages. not fun.
unless you're into that sort of thing i guess. but then we're probably not friends.

the father is pushing the 401K thing. i still don't know what it is.

i have this urge for jack in the box tacos. haven't had those in a while. for a reason, of course...they're doused in grease. but they're delicious. i can't help the craving. mighty inconvenient though.

mighty inconvenient is a funny choice of words. i don't know how i came up with that one. i must be a genius of some kind.

or i may just have read 1 too many short stories.

Love, krystal.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

he walks into the room...

and for some reason i can't shake the feeling. the feeling that, in his eyes, i'm less than i should be. the feeling when he looks at me that his greatest desire is for my healing; for me to become what he wishes so much i could be. he is over-eager. his extroverted sentiments toward me are a hyperbole, nothing close to the truth. his feigned interest in who i am only barely covering up his secret agenda. only barely hiding the regret-ridden past.
but i see through his facade. i sense his falsehood and it makes me cringe.
am i the only one? can everyone else be blind to it?


an over-exaggerated fiction/non-fiction.

Love, krystal.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

la sagesse

wow. it's been a month since my last post: sad.
sorry for the long break, moving right along...

James 3:

the tongue:
a fire
a world of unrighteousness
staining the whole body
setting on fire the entire course of life
set on fire by hell
not able to be tamed by man
a restless evil
full of deadly poison

james says that the tongue is an incredible weapon, and that no one hides from its power: "if anyone does not stumble in what he says he is a perfect man"
assuming that no man is perfect (and by assuming, i actually mean knowing) i can safely say that i am not alone in the frustration that comes when i look back and recognize the terrible effect that my tongue has had, not only on my own life, but on the life of those around me. even more on the lives of those closest to me. it's a constant battle between my flesh and my spirit, my own sinful desires "enticing" me to have the last word or to make my point clearly or to be understood. my desire to feel accepted and seen for what i want to portray. it's a deadly trap.

but is the tongue, so powerful to destroy, able also to bring life of sorts? can we not, with this same weapon, bring peace and harmony....whether by withholding words or by using them in love? and yet it seems a much more difficult thing to do. how much easier is it to say whatever comes to mind than to think carefully and wisely and intentionally lift others up? such conduct is a witness to sanctification. which leads to the rest of the chapter...

"who is wise and understanding among you? by his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom"
these are the words james chooses to define one with wisdom and the definitions i've personally assigned to them:
pure: not stained by SELF
peacable: desiring peace; creating harmony
gentle: aware of anothers' comfort; compassionate
open to reason: not bound to SELF
full of mercy and good fruits: having no room for bitterness; pouring out of selfLESSness
impartial: non-judgmental
sincere: without a false projection of oneself

in other words, having wisdom means that we let ourselves go for the sake of the glory and holiness of God.

Love, krystal

Friday, December 24, 2010

numero deux

james 2.

vs. 1-13
james speaks mostly on the sin of partiality here. but though he mainly addressed the judgment of the rich vs. the poor, i don't think that's where the sin ends. he contrasts the sin of partiality with the law that says "you shall love your neighbor as yourself". therefore, it seems that the ignorance of this law produces and is evidence of partiality. then there are many ways that i can NOT love my neighbor that have nothing to do with their state of finances. and when i do this i am no longer speaking or acting as "those who are to be judged under the law of liberty", but living as though we have not all been given the same mercy; that in some way i deserve it more than my neighbor. hence the last verse: "for judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. mercy triumphs over judgment".
this statement should bring us joy. it should fill us with thanks and humility because it means that God allowed His grace and mercy on us to triumph over our sin.
why, then, does it not instill in me this attitude toward my fellow sinners? why, then, do i have such a hard time granting mercy rather than placing judgment? my pride has convinced me that my sin is not so great. that i was easier to forgive and show mercy to than my neighbor. how twisted.

vs. 14
"what good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith, but does not have works? can that faith save him?"

what's the answer to that question? what kind of faith does not produce work?

"so also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." (vs. 17)

is dead faith saving faith? can dead faith save us? save me? is it still counted as faith?

some questions i've been thinking about.

Love, krystal.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

the beginning of a beautiful friendship...

james 1
i spent about a week or so on this chapter alone, so i'm gonna share just a little of what i experienced as i went through it.

vs. 5: "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him"
what do those words mean in the context of this verse/passage? i spent a lot of time dwelling on them, trying to find a connection and an explanation for the wording.
the only cross reference in my bible is to prov.28:5 which says "evil men do not understand justice but those who seek the Lord understand it completely"
which made me think that maybe the key in the verse was not so much the without reproach, but the generously.
the idea that our God would not hold back any wisdom, but grant it to us completely and without reproach, or without any thought to our underservedness.
the word REPROACH is defined as:
1. To express disapproval of, criticism of, or disappointment in (someone).
2. To bring shame upon; disgrace.
the second definition is the one that jumps out at me. the idea that my God does not show wisdom with the intent of producing shame, but in a generous and complete way as if it were His will to grant it.
anyway. those are my thoughts on that. :) and hopefully NOT just my thoughts.

throughout the first chapter, i found a theme of sorts. every time i read another paragraph or section, it came back to this thought. that of CONSTANCY vs. FICKLENESS.
"let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect..."
"the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind"
"he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways"
"like a flower of the grass he will pass away"
"blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial..."
"each man is tempted when he is lured and enticed..."
"from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change"
"but the one who...perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed..."
it seems to me that there is blessedness and honor for him who remains constant. not tossed by the wind or easily persuaded, but one perseveres under trial.
my biggest question was, what is the problem with fickleness? sure, it's not a very pretty word, but what makes it that way? and why does james say that one who doubts is double-minded and unstable in all his ways?
perhaps because the one who is fickle has placed his own opinions, feelings, comfort level, and sense of truth above God's. he has decided to lean on his own inclinations which tell him to move one way and then another. he has placed his own wisdom above God's. God who DOES NOT CHANGE.
it talks about the man who asks for wisdom without faith but with doubt, expecting to receive it. he has placed his methods and ideas on a pedestal, in his own pride believing that he can have each foot on opposite ground. he can pick and choose truth without having to take a stand. i don't think God likes that...

okay. i know that was kinda long, and i might have gotten a little carried away, but i think this is good stuff. feel free to comment on whatever. especially if you think i might have said something weird or even wrong. :/ or to provide further insight...

Love, krystal.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


been reading james.
there's so much stuff in there and i wanted to share some of my questions and thoughts and discoveries and emotions as i go through it.
this is just a pre-blog, i guess. a promise of more to come.
i'm excited.

for now, i leave you with this: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (ch.1:19-20)

Love, krystal.

Monday, December 13, 2010

sir,sir, can you hear me?!

currently sitting in my ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) class.
please don't collapse around me...i don't think my nursing skills would kick in fast enough to overcome my "oh no don't die!" instincts

also thinking about not spending christmas at home for the first time ever. it's kinda sad. and new. mostly it sucks to think that my gifts won't be opened til i see my family at new years. not my gifts as in their gifts to me, but my gifts to them. to be honest, i'll be working through christmas eve and sleeping through the day, so i don't think i'll actually miss much. except the food. no posole for me.

i'm finished with my new grad program on friday...gonna be on my own with 5-6 patients!! crazy. pray for me. :)

Love, krystal.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

freaking bugs

i felt it as it creeped into my vulnerable body, slowly taking over, not quite subtle enough to take me by surprise; though i suspect that was never its intention. no, it knew what it wanted from the very start and has produced in me a type of inconsolable desperation, knowing that for the time being it has grasped my full attention and that my attempts to resist are futile.
my throat is being scratched by cold shards of glass with every breath, and my lungs no longer own their usual freedom, constrained by the empty threat of further consequences--but they cannot, or perhaps just refuse, to let go of their stubborn convictions. blindness seems a better description for their lot. my muscles have been duped into thinking they need more and more rest...refusing to grasp the fact that they haven't made any strenuous movement for hours and possibly days. my nose would cry if it could, being stretched beyond its capacity by more and more seemingly unnecessary pressure. my ears do cry: one steady pitch of agony that makes it out of its canal disguised as a dull roar.
in one respect my mind has become an incredibly powerful traitor; allowing my body to believe the clever lie. on the other, she may be more like a sort of mole: taking pleasure in each side's victory and defeat, and yet ultimately apathetic. in this case, she has allowed the enemy to take joy in its illusion of mastery while secretly sending out the opposition. slowly they work, the opposition. painfully slowly, not possessing the ability to share in the torture but sent on a mission that happens to be best conquered at a small and steady pace.
soon these mind games will be over; the senses and emotions conjured up will have been tossed into the wind, only to be recalled for a minute at a time--not nearly as clearly as its present state. this is its chance. and it will be juiced for all it's worth.

aka, i'm sick and it sucks.

Love, krystal.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


It's the first day with my preceptor at my new workplace: the med/surg & telemetry floor at maryvale hospital.
so exciting!

Love, krystal.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

the sound of flowing water

for the record...i hate urine tests.
and i will forever have flashbacks of the tiny little "holding room" for those who can't pee into a cup on the first try. a.k.a. me.

Love, krystal.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

lonelyyy, i'm so lonelyyy...

did you ever wish you had all the time in the world? a free schedule not bogged down by pressing responsibilities and due dates?
it's terrible.
is it more terrible than being stressed and burdened out of your mind? perhaps not. but i must say both ends of the spectrum have the potential to drive a person insane. and i might just be toeing the line.
i feel like a dog who has suddenly lost a significant amount of control of his hind legs and whose existence now consists of nap after rest after nap. ironically, such a dog is currently in the nap stage of his life at my side. (though maybe not so ironically, because the fact that he is there is probably what led me to draw the comparison).
however, i can safely say that i have not yet reached the point of total is obvious by the fact that i am currently writing an entry for my blog. though one might contest that producing an entry for a blog that is only read by about 15 people (at the very most), is not necessarily useful. to which i would reply: really? can't i at least have this?
and so, to further prove that my existence really does matter, i will now make a very useful list of songs i absolutely love:
fly me to the moon.
hmm. well, that's all i have. i just listened to it on Pandora, so it was fresh in my mind. although i doubt that any of you are actually interested in reading a list of songs that i like. or that such a list is as useful as i implied.
take a bow (by leona lewis). that's another one.
i saw a documentary about dreams today. it was pretty least the part that i paid attention to was. apparently, a human goes into a type of paralytic state when they're in the REM cycle--completely unable to move any muscle. which is incredibly handy because they did an experiment where they took away the part of the brain that commands the body into a paralytic state in cats, and they had footage of cats chasing mice and attacking things in their sleep. and they found some people that have some disorder where the paralysis never kicks in--these people wake up to find their room a mess, with lamps and tables knocked over, cuz they act out their dreams in their sleep. crazy.
so it's just me and Fes at the moment. (who, in case you didn't get the reference earlier, is basically bedbound after losing the feeling in his hind legs for a couple of days and learning now to hobble around with the little feeling that he seems to be regaining). the dog never was a very active pet, but now he seems to have lost the will to move. although i'm not sure he's too disappointed. consequently, however, i'm not sure how he feels about me. (though, considering the circumstances, that's probably not the most crucial dilemma at the moment). he used to hop onto the couch with me whenever i was around, but now he can't hop at all, and i can't really read his expressions. we'll have to make do with the remnants of the relationship that remain. i should let him go outside for a bit.

Love, krystal.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

jigga what?!

God gave me a job today!
i start on the 27th of this month.
it's 12 weeks of full-time on-the-floor/in-the-classroom training which will transition into a full-load nursing position on the med/surg/telemetry floor.
it's at maryvale hospital in phoenix (slightly ghetto, but all that means is that i get to be around my peeps a lot more than most :))
i'm so excited! Praise God.
i'll actually be able to pay rent out of my own pocket now!
and i get to be a nurse!

Love, krystal.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

are you there, God? it's me...

please resist the urge to assume, because of the title of my post, that i doubt that God is listening to was merely for the fun of quoting one of my favorite pre-teenage-hood books that i'm letting it slide :)

anyway. lots of things have been happening lately. though if you took a look at my incredibly unbusy schedule, you'd probably have trouble believing it. but lately i've been talking to God and journaling in massive amounts,which is definitely NOT a bad thing, but serves as an indication of the turmoil of my spirit and heart and mind and everything my body involves. although turmoil may not be the right word.
it feels like every minute there's an emotion or a thought or a conviction that i just have to bring to God. nothing in my life is stable. and yet, i feel a sense of peace.
i don't know where i will be a week from now, let alone a month from now, and i have thoughts that battle back and forth--wanting to appease my father, not wanting to disappoint anyone (including myself), wanting to make wise decisions, but fearing that i won't. and when i turn once again to my God, i hear Him say "I am the Lord". and who can say otherwise? not me.
today was an especially turmoil-filled day. a phone-call from my dad, another one from my mom, a chat with a friend, a discouraging internet search, and a lot of time to think about it all.
but i rest in the comfort that, first of all, God is God, and second of all, He doesn't grow tired of listening. and i continue to pray that He would do what He wants, and that i would rest in joy.

Love, krystal.

Ezekiel 34:25-31
“I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. 26 And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing. 27 And the trees of the field shall yield their fruit, and the earth shall yield its increase, and they shall be secure in their land. And they shall know that I am the Lord, when I break the bars of their yoke, and deliver them from the hand of those who enslaved them. 28 They shall no more be a prey to the nations, nor shall the beasts of the land devour them. They shall dwell securely, and none shall make them afraid. 29 And I will provide for them renowned plantations so that they shall no more be consumed with hunger in the land, and no longer suffer the reproach of the nations. 30 And they shall know that I am the Lord their God with them, and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Lord God. 31 And you are my sheep, human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord God.”

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

krystal soto, RN, BSN

i have to look for a job now. which is both exciting and incredibly scary. but God is patient with me and urges me continuously not to be afraid. it's been the theme of the lasts few months of my life, and i'm sure it will continue to be a theme throughout my time here on earth.

He has created this world with a few words, what shall i fear?
He has called me His own, what shall i fear?
He has delivered me from the dead, what shall i fear?
He is faithful, even when i am faithless, what shall i fear?
He determines my steps, what shall i fear?
He is my rock, my salvation, my father, my GOD. what shall i fear?


my soul is willing, my flesh is weak. but He is my strength.

Love, krystal.

for you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” -rom.8:15

Friday, August 13, 2010

perfect lamb

i wrote a new song today...first one since my actual first song 3 years ago my sophomore year...
and both times, it just came one minute i'm studying for the NCLEX, the next there's a new song in a word document.
God is so good, it's amazing we ever doubt it.
anyway. God bless, peeps.

(and pray that i do well on my NCLEX)

Love, krystal.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Update #2

I'm sitting in a cute little apartment in Guanajuato, Gto (Mexico), and I've decided to update you all again. I don't have too much time to sit at a computer (especially since I don't have a laptop here in Mexico), but we have a little break tonight before we head to San Luis Potosi and meet up with the whole Mexico team tomorrow morning.
The family that we have been staying with here in Guanajuato is one of the kindest I've met (and with a last name like Soto, they have to be). They have truly been a blessing to those of us staying here with them. The family is one of a widowed mother and three children, ages 14, 16, and 18. The mother's husband died soon after her youngest was born, and to hear her talk about her story has been truly difficult and heartbreaking. But she and her family have so much love to give that I have to ask myself why I can't show that same kind of love. It is truly a testimony to the great power of God and how loving He is to those who lean on Him.
Time has been going very fast, and I've been learning so many things, both about others and about myself. One thing God has really been showing me is His sovereign power. Many times I feel responsible for others' relationship with Christ, I feel it my responsibility to bring others into a lifestyle that is most like my own. But that burden does not belong to me...nor do I have the power to carry it. God has been really showing me that His power is enough and that it is only by His grace that I am where I am. It is such an amazing freedom and such an opportunity to show others the love that He has given me without obligation. And the people here in Mexico are so great. They love each other well, from the way they greet each other, to the intentionality of their conversation, I have learned much about what it means to just BE with others. And I'm looking forward to going back home and greeting everyone (even strangers) with a kiss. (Okay, maybe not).
As this program is soon coming to an end, please pray for continued protection here in Mexico. Though we are very cautious, the truth is that this country is not the safest place to be. Also continue to pray for my team. There are three of us here in Mexico, and one had to stay back in San Antonio (and we miss her very much), and it's become very easy to forget to spend time in the bible, or not think about the memory verses, so please pray that we continue to be diligent, even as we spend time in a different environment.
Thank you so much for your support. I truly believe that God has being doing big things here, both in my heart, and in the hearts of the other people in the program. Praise God!

Love, krystal.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

living it up in san antonio!

I'm sitting in the only place I can find a wireless connection here at the University Oaks Apartments, where we'll be staying for the next 2.5 weeks. As a team leader, I arrived here in San Antonio on Wednesday, and spent about 5 days in meetings hashing out plans and fixing up the schedule while also getting the know the rest of the team leaders and staff. By the end of the 5 days, we were all anxious for the arrival of the rest of the students. They arrived yesterday throughout the day, and we saw the program start coming together. I was both excited and nervous to meet the three girls on my team, knowing that they would become a big part of my summer ministry in the next 4 weeks.
They are three very different ladies. There's Amanda*, who is here from the University of Northern Iowa as a sophomore Spanish major. There's Linda*, who comes from Rio Hondo College in Southern California. And there's Roxy*, the young daughter of a Navigator missionary couple originally from the U.S., but now serving in Mexico.
As I listened to their testimonies during "team time" at dinner, I was amazed at the stories. All three have gone through a lot of recent struggles in their faith despite having been raised in strong Christian families. One feels that she has been on a roller coaster of a Christian life, with periods of legalism and periods of excessive freedom. Another comes from a background of drug abuse and rebellion, having recently recommitted her life to Christ. And yet another feels like she lives two lives, knowing the truth, but being easily swayed by the pressures of friends and popularity. In each story, I can find areas to relate to, but also areas that I feel completely inexperienced with. I know that God is going to challenge not only me, but the rest of the girls on my team this summer, and I'm looking forward to it. As we spend time studying Acts this summer, a verse from chapter 5 comes to mind: "So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them."
Our God is all-powerful, and if He's working here at this summer program, there's nothing that can stop Him.
Please pray for the students in the program and my team and I this summer; that we would draw near to the throne of God and find peace and comfort and a Truth that is more powerful than anything man can do or imagine.

Love, krystal.

*names have been changed

p.s. i have to admit, that i feel somewhat at home in a city that loves the Spurs as much as i do. <3