i cry a lot. it's not usually a big deal because it's frequently triggered by a sad movie, or sympathy or something. but since i was little i've had a problem keeping the tears from coming. if i was angry, i would cry. if i was frustrated, i would cry. if anything uncomfortable was going on, i would cry. when something was out of my control, i would cry. it has caused me a lot of anxiety in my life. everytime i would get a not-so-great grade, or i couldn't figure out a homework problem or something, the tears would start streaming down my face, to the horror of the people around me. it got to the point where i had to warn people about it...tell them that nothing was wrong, that my body was just a little whack at the moment and that it would go away soon enough. and it has also made me feel weak. i can't even think to count the number of times i've felt absolutely ridiculous and angry at myself for allowing the tears to fall...consequently giving my body even more reason to keep the tears coming. it's a great strength and a horrible weakness to cry...and i've had my share of both.
my life now has been blessed enough to not have great reason for tears. it's rare that i get anxious or nervous or sad enough to let out a legitimate cry. i would say that my weakness and prone-ness to crying is the same, but my life is not so nearly dramatic. thank God.
yesterday, however, it happened again. many of you know, and many of you don't, that i experienced a great "tragedy" yesterday. i got up early in the morning and made it to the library in good time, prepared to do some work for the next couple of hours---i had somewhere to be that evening. all was well until about 4 hours into my working, when my word processer decided that it was done for the day. that would have been all well and good if it had warned me and allowed me to save my work. but it didn't, because that's the kind of inconsiderate program that it is. and so...after quite a few hours of plugging away, i lost everything. it was as if i had never even started.
at first i was just shocked. hadn't really taken it in, thought it was a figment of my imagination, etc. but no. it was true, as real as you and me. and so the tears started flowing. i could barely feel them at first, that's how numb i was. but i knew that any second i would explode.
i walked to the bathroom, tears pouring down my face, and stood in front of the mirror. then every emotion streamed out. anxiety, frustration, desperation, anger, hurt, confusion. and i couldn't stop. i just stared at my contorted expression for a while and let the tears sting my face.
i hadn't felt that way in a while.
no one had died. my family was fine. my friends still loved me. my God was still my Savior. and i still had more than enough time to finish the assignment. but my tears didn't care. they just wanted to fall. and so they did.
i've been thinking about it a lot and have come to a frightful and heart-wrenching realization. as much as it hurt to lose 4 hours of work, there are so many things that will hurt so much more. and i don't know if i'll be able to take it. people that i love too much to explain are moving on and i don't think i'm ready to let go. but i have to remember the one verse that i kept repeating those couple of minutes in the lovely bathroom: "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD, which TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." The Lord of the Universe is my shelter and my comfort--i trust in HIM.