i'm homesick. it's taken me more than 2 years, but here i am.
i miss my brother. i live for the days that he calls...asking for advice on which classes to take, needing detailed clarification of what exactly happened on the last episode of Heroes. i long for the times when he opens the door just a crack and lets me peek into his teenage world-- even just a little. i feel like i've missed him grow up...and if i ever told him this, he would roll his eyes and tell me i'm exaggerating...but when i left he was still a boy...and now...he's a bigger boy.
i miss my sister. the girl has never let anyone in, but she can't help it. i want to be there when she's stuck at home, angry at the world and disappointed in the situation she finds herself in. i want to be there when she's rolling her eyes at me for telling her to clean up her mess, when she's crying out of desperation, and when she's acting like a maniac and making me laugh so hard i'm grateful for the nearby bathroom in our room. but that's just it. it's not ours anymore. it's just hers. and that hurts.
i miss my father. i want to be there for one of the biggest changes in his life. i want to be a daughter to a man who hasn't seen his family in a long time. i want to make a bigger impact on the man my dad is trying so hard to become. i want to matter. i want him to know that he matters.
i miss my mother. because i can't imagine how lonely she has been for the past two years. because her phonecalls are always filled with nothing but love and compassion, even through the pain. i want to be there when she feels hopeless and out of control. i want her to be there when i feel hopeless and out of control. i want to sing next to her in church. i want her to know that i love her...because for some reason, i just can't say it.
i want my family back.