the end of my ASU career is literally less than a day away and for some reason, i'm avoiding the only thing that's keeping me from the end....this last and final test.
i wonder if my brain secretly wants to stay in school longer.
what a traiter.
Love, krystal.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
on a sunday afternoon
some things i love...
the smell of clean laundry
swaying trees, as they are blown by strong winds
having friends who understand your thinking, no matter how many people don't
unchapped lips
freshly painted toenails
fresh baked bread
the feeling of relief after a really big test
singing really loud in the shower
bargains
waking up whenever i want
perfect phone reception
speaking spanish
dogs that don't bark
the spurs
foreign accents
really good movies
free stuff
the feeling of just-shaved legs
listening to outstanding musicians
not being alone
missions
cute kids
when people laugh really loud for really long times
little kids with faux-hawks
being really warm under a blanket
chocolate ice cream
the feeling that you're swimming while you lay in bed after a really long day in the pool
when really good black ladies sing and gospel choirs
watching musicals on stage
making patients laugh
a clean room
good hair days
colored eyes
really soft beds
huge teddy bears
making the time to list off things i love
Love, krystal.
the smell of clean laundry
swaying trees, as they are blown by strong winds
having friends who understand your thinking, no matter how many people don't
unchapped lips
freshly painted toenails
fresh baked bread
the feeling of relief after a really big test
singing really loud in the shower
bargains
waking up whenever i want
perfect phone reception
speaking spanish
dogs that don't bark
the spurs
foreign accents
really good movies
free stuff
the feeling of just-shaved legs
listening to outstanding musicians
not being alone
missions
cute kids
when people laugh really loud for really long times
little kids with faux-hawks
being really warm under a blanket
chocolate ice cream
the feeling that you're swimming while you lay in bed after a really long day in the pool
when really good black ladies sing and gospel choirs
watching musicals on stage
making patients laugh
a clean room
good hair days
colored eyes
really soft beds
huge teddy bears
making the time to list off things i love
Love, krystal.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
descanso
God made me cry today. It was a good cry. It was a cry of relief and of peace and of joy.
I've been having an internal battle with myself for weeks now. As the end of my college career approaches, more and more questions plague me. I know that God is faithful, but I get distracted by my fear of failure. I trust that God has a plan, but I continue to consider that maybe it's all up to me.
Today, I sent my dad an email. I told him of "my" plans and the things that I've been praying about and trusting God for. I told him that I knew God was good and that I knew He wouldn't let me down. But inside, my flesh, my tendencies to assume that I will fail, nag at me.
So God, in His overwhelming love and faithfulness, reminded me once again that He sees me. And that He won't let me down.
"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!"
These are pretty much the same words I had used to tell my dad about what I was thinking.
I read these words and couldn't help but cry.
How can I fear when God is my shield? How can I doubt while His promises remain? Who am I to insist that I am the exception? I'm not. I'm God's precious daughter, and He will withhold no good thing. He will bless the one who trusts in Him. My God is good.
Love, krystal.
I've been having an internal battle with myself for weeks now. As the end of my college career approaches, more and more questions plague me. I know that God is faithful, but I get distracted by my fear of failure. I trust that God has a plan, but I continue to consider that maybe it's all up to me.
Today, I sent my dad an email. I told him of "my" plans and the things that I've been praying about and trusting God for. I told him that I knew God was good and that I knew He wouldn't let me down. But inside, my flesh, my tendencies to assume that I will fail, nag at me.
So God, in His overwhelming love and faithfulness, reminded me once again that He sees me. And that He won't let me down.
"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!"
These are pretty much the same words I had used to tell my dad about what I was thinking.
I read these words and couldn't help but cry.
How can I fear when God is my shield? How can I doubt while His promises remain? Who am I to insist that I am the exception? I'm not. I'm God's precious daughter, and He will withhold no good thing. He will bless the one who trusts in Him. My God is good.
Love, krystal.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
it's me! kind of.
i've taken enough tests and experienced enough of my life to be sure that i am an introvert. wikipedia defines introversion as "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life".
that sounds really self-centered, so here's a couple of other tidbits to help define it better: "They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, and using computers", "They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate", and "They are more analytical before speaking".
there, that's better. and very true about me.
however, that does not mean that i like being alone at home for hours on end. i'd much rather do my homework and study and read and do solitary activities with someone else around. at least then i can concentrate on myself without actually being by myself.
anyway. that was all i came here to say. because, surprise!, i'm at home. alone. and have been for the last several hours.
however, as long as i have your attention (whoever you are), i'll also take this time to talk a little about that myers briggs formula thing.
i know there are a lot of people who don't like to talk about it, and think it's stupid and say "i refuse to be defined by a formula". if that is you, i respect you.
i like it though. and i know that it's not an exact calculation--we all have individual characteristics and reactions and beliefs and experiences that make us into different people. however, i do feel that it has really been a good thing to look at, especially when dealing with people who i don't completely understand. and even when dealing with myself. it's a rough draft--a framework, perhaps. but i think it helps.
on that note, i am an ISFJ. an introverterted-sensing-feeling-judger. which actually makes no sense if you don't know what those words are supposed to mean.
the first: introvert, i have already defined. (the opposite of I is E, for extrovert)
the second: senser. the word in itself, i feel, does not do much to help with understanding the concept. a random website that i found says this: "S and N stand for Sensing and Intuition—indicating whether you become aware of specific facts and concrete details or prefer to focus on hunches and the big picture." i like the details. give me a vague paper topic or idea, and i will want to throw something at you; because when i work on things, i focus on the details, and if you don't give me a very specific definition, i will spend the rest of the night trying to figure out what the heck you want. it's very frustrating. it also means that i don't really have much of an imagination. the saying is that sensers see the trees and intuiters see the forest. something about a 6th sense vs the original 5 senses. crazy, i know. :)
the third: feeler. this one actually is pretty self-explanatory. the opposite of this is T for thinker. basically, my actions are very much influenced by how i feel, vs what i think might be a more logical answer. i must say, however, that i can be both. and just cuz i feel that the sun should shine everyday, doesn't mean i should leave my umbrella at home when the forecast says there's gonna be a storm. however, i have a lot of empathy and i feel for people a lot (which makes being a nurse very difficult at times). the popular question to ask is "if you were the coach of a basketball team, and only had 5 seats to fill; would you take the 5 on your team who showed the most effort and most wanted to go, OR the top 5 players?" i would definitely pick the short little guy who can't dribble a ball to save his life if i felt he wanted to be there more than the best player on the team. but that's cuz i'm a feeler.
the fourth, and last: judger. the opposite of which is P for perceiver. "indicating whether you prefer your life to be planned and like it when things are decided or prefer to go with the flow and like keeping your options open." yea. definitely a judger. i'm a fan of schedules, timeliness, knowing what's up ahead. spontaneity is NOT my middle name. i don't actually have a middle name, but that's beside the point. and though i hate making decisions, i hate it even more when i have a decision hanging over my head. i just want to know what i'm doing and when. leave the options to that perceiver over there.
that's pretty much it.
of course, these are not hard, fast rules. though i am an introvert, i can have times when i just really want to hang out with everyone in the world at the same time. and though i'm typically a senser, i might have a random and big-picture idea sometime. i'm honestly about 60% feeler and 40% thinker. and though i'd like knowing what i'm going to being doing around 5pm next thursday, there's always room for spontaneity...and i really enjoy being around people who bring that out in me.
just not all the time.
haha. just kidding, my extrovert, intuiter, thinker and perceiver friends. i still love you.
Love, krystal.
p.s. sorry the post is so long. i just noticed. :/
that sounds really self-centered, so here's a couple of other tidbits to help define it better: "They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, and using computers", "They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate", and "They are more analytical before speaking".
there, that's better. and very true about me.
however, that does not mean that i like being alone at home for hours on end. i'd much rather do my homework and study and read and do solitary activities with someone else around. at least then i can concentrate on myself without actually being by myself.
anyway. that was all i came here to say. because, surprise!, i'm at home. alone. and have been for the last several hours.
however, as long as i have your attention (whoever you are), i'll also take this time to talk a little about that myers briggs formula thing.
i know there are a lot of people who don't like to talk about it, and think it's stupid and say "i refuse to be defined by a formula". if that is you, i respect you.
i like it though. and i know that it's not an exact calculation--we all have individual characteristics and reactions and beliefs and experiences that make us into different people. however, i do feel that it has really been a good thing to look at, especially when dealing with people who i don't completely understand. and even when dealing with myself. it's a rough draft--a framework, perhaps. but i think it helps.
on that note, i am an ISFJ. an introverterted-sensing-feeling-judger. which actually makes no sense if you don't know what those words are supposed to mean.
the first: introvert, i have already defined. (the opposite of I is E, for extrovert)
the second: senser. the word in itself, i feel, does not do much to help with understanding the concept. a random website that i found says this: "S and N stand for Sensing and Intuition—indicating whether you become aware of specific facts and concrete details or prefer to focus on hunches and the big picture." i like the details. give me a vague paper topic or idea, and i will want to throw something at you; because when i work on things, i focus on the details, and if you don't give me a very specific definition, i will spend the rest of the night trying to figure out what the heck you want. it's very frustrating. it also means that i don't really have much of an imagination. the saying is that sensers see the trees and intuiters see the forest. something about a 6th sense vs the original 5 senses. crazy, i know. :)
the third: feeler. this one actually is pretty self-explanatory. the opposite of this is T for thinker. basically, my actions are very much influenced by how i feel, vs what i think might be a more logical answer. i must say, however, that i can be both. and just cuz i feel that the sun should shine everyday, doesn't mean i should leave my umbrella at home when the forecast says there's gonna be a storm. however, i have a lot of empathy and i feel for people a lot (which makes being a nurse very difficult at times). the popular question to ask is "if you were the coach of a basketball team, and only had 5 seats to fill; would you take the 5 on your team who showed the most effort and most wanted to go, OR the top 5 players?" i would definitely pick the short little guy who can't dribble a ball to save his life if i felt he wanted to be there more than the best player on the team. but that's cuz i'm a feeler.
the fourth, and last: judger. the opposite of which is P for perceiver. "indicating whether you prefer your life to be planned and like it when things are decided or prefer to go with the flow and like keeping your options open." yea. definitely a judger. i'm a fan of schedules, timeliness, knowing what's up ahead. spontaneity is NOT my middle name. i don't actually have a middle name, but that's beside the point. and though i hate making decisions, i hate it even more when i have a decision hanging over my head. i just want to know what i'm doing and when. leave the options to that perceiver over there.
that's pretty much it.
of course, these are not hard, fast rules. though i am an introvert, i can have times when i just really want to hang out with everyone in the world at the same time. and though i'm typically a senser, i might have a random and big-picture idea sometime. i'm honestly about 60% feeler and 40% thinker. and though i'd like knowing what i'm going to being doing around 5pm next thursday, there's always room for spontaneity...and i really enjoy being around people who bring that out in me.
just not all the time.
haha. just kidding, my extrovert, intuiter, thinker and perceiver friends. i still love you.
Love, krystal.
p.s. sorry the post is so long. i just noticed. :/
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
my crazy body (i know, it sounds like a funny title...but bear with me here)
i have cuts, burns(okay, maybe just one small burn), and bruises all over my body. and sometimes i notice them and can't for the life of me figure out where they came from.
i do, however, have a few theories...
1. kim inoshita. enough said.
2. sleepwalking. although i highly doubt it, it is very possible that i am just a very clumsy sleepwalker. i've never woken up somewhere that i didn't recognize, and to be honest, i usually wake up in the same sleeping position that i fell asleep in, but for all i know, i have an alter ego, and she doesn't seem to realize that solid objects aren't meant to be walked into.
3. the theory that i most believe in is this one: i am a very sensitive soul, though you may not believe it, and my feelings get hurt somewhat often (although not in an unhealthy way, i don't think)...anyway. i think my body might have learned to show my emotional hurt in physical ways. you say something about me that hurts my feelings...BOOM. a new bruise on the knee. i think you might not appreciate something i've done for you...BAM. a papercut-like wound on my hand. i think i'm really going somewhere with this idea.
4. of course, the most "obvious" theory would be that the bruise on my knee was actually caused when i hit my leg on a counter; or that the papercut on my hand was in fact created while i reorganized the papers in my folder. but i don't know. it seems too easy for me to believe. and you know the most "obvious" answer is not usually the correct one. right?
Love, krystal.
i do, however, have a few theories...
1. kim inoshita. enough said.
2. sleepwalking. although i highly doubt it, it is very possible that i am just a very clumsy sleepwalker. i've never woken up somewhere that i didn't recognize, and to be honest, i usually wake up in the same sleeping position that i fell asleep in, but for all i know, i have an alter ego, and she doesn't seem to realize that solid objects aren't meant to be walked into.
3. the theory that i most believe in is this one: i am a very sensitive soul, though you may not believe it, and my feelings get hurt somewhat often (although not in an unhealthy way, i don't think)...anyway. i think my body might have learned to show my emotional hurt in physical ways. you say something about me that hurts my feelings...BOOM. a new bruise on the knee. i think you might not appreciate something i've done for you...BAM. a papercut-like wound on my hand. i think i'm really going somewhere with this idea.
4. of course, the most "obvious" theory would be that the bruise on my knee was actually caused when i hit my leg on a counter; or that the papercut on my hand was in fact created while i reorganized the papers in my folder. but i don't know. it seems too easy for me to believe. and you know the most "obvious" answer is not usually the correct one. right?
Love, krystal.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
my bff, jee-bee (g.b.)
if you know me pretty well, you know that i love Glenn Beck.
not because everything he says is completely correct and should be taken as ultimate truth, but because the man is hilarious---and he's right at least half the time(which is more than i can say for most other political spokespersons).
i listened to his speech on CPAC several days ago and here are a couple of the brilliant things he said:
"it is still morning in America. It just happens to be kind of a head-pounding-hung-over-vomiting-for-four-hours kind of morning in America. And it’s shaping up to be kind of a nasty day, but it’s still morning in America. Now the question is: what made us, you know, sit there at the john vomiting for four hours? What is it that has taken us onto this path? What are we suffering from? What is it that has caused the problem? And if you say Obama it’s too simple of an answer because it’s not Barack Obama" (ultimately he basically calls the progressive movement Satan and claims that it has brought us to this disaster time we're in...in case you were wondering)
"Not everybody gets a trophy. What is the point of competing for a trophy if everyone gets a trophy? Please stop teaching my children that everyone will get a trophy just for participating. What is this, the Nobel Prize?" (let's just say barack and glenn are NOT bff's)
there's more stuff i can quote, but it kinda takes forever and i just want to publish this post.
anyway. glenn beck is my friend. that is all.
Love, krystal
not because everything he says is completely correct and should be taken as ultimate truth, but because the man is hilarious---and he's right at least half the time(which is more than i can say for most other political spokespersons).
i listened to his speech on CPAC several days ago and here are a couple of the brilliant things he said:
"it is still morning in America. It just happens to be kind of a head-pounding-hung-over-vomiting-for-four-hours kind of morning in America. And it’s shaping up to be kind of a nasty day, but it’s still morning in America. Now the question is: what made us, you know, sit there at the john vomiting for four hours? What is it that has taken us onto this path? What are we suffering from? What is it that has caused the problem? And if you say Obama it’s too simple of an answer because it’s not Barack Obama" (ultimately he basically calls the progressive movement Satan and claims that it has brought us to this disaster time we're in...in case you were wondering)
"Not everybody gets a trophy. What is the point of competing for a trophy if everyone gets a trophy? Please stop teaching my children that everyone will get a trophy just for participating. What is this, the Nobel Prize?" (let's just say barack and glenn are NOT bff's)
there's more stuff i can quote, but it kinda takes forever and i just want to publish this post.
anyway. glenn beck is my friend. that is all.
Love, krystal
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
flashy
i listened to commercials on the radio in spanish this morning. i could have changed the frequency..there was plenty of music available on other stations...but i preferred to listen to the spanish gibberish. or should i say spanglish gibberish.
it was actually kinda funny, and very obviously purposely spanglish, although that kinda defeats the purpose...anyway.
my first reaction was relief: that i could still understand every word. i've spoken spanish since i could form words, but i still get a little scared that having so many white friends is gonna affect my ability to speak my mother's tongue :). no offense to my white friends (who make up about 99% of them), i love you all very much. and either way...it wouldn't be your fault.
my second reaction was: i feel so special listening to a different language, and i hope everyone around me recognizes my greatness.
i know, it sounds bad...but let's be honest, we do it all the time.
like when our professors state a question in class and we mutter the answer under our breath, knowing that 3 or 4 students will hear us and be in awe when it's the correct answer...
or when we predict what's coming up in a movie right before it's revealed to us (or even better, long before it becomes obvious)...
or when we flash our really difficult-looking textbooks to all the com majors in the library...
or when we blast spanish commercials so that all the cars around us become jealous that we can understand the words coming out of the speakers too quickly for them to comprehend...
or maybe that's just me.
naw, i don't believe it.
Love, krystal
it was actually kinda funny, and very obviously purposely spanglish, although that kinda defeats the purpose...anyway.
my first reaction was relief: that i could still understand every word. i've spoken spanish since i could form words, but i still get a little scared that having so many white friends is gonna affect my ability to speak my mother's tongue :). no offense to my white friends (who make up about 99% of them), i love you all very much. and either way...it wouldn't be your fault.
my second reaction was: i feel so special listening to a different language, and i hope everyone around me recognizes my greatness.
i know, it sounds bad...but let's be honest, we do it all the time.
like when our professors state a question in class and we mutter the answer under our breath, knowing that 3 or 4 students will hear us and be in awe when it's the correct answer...
or when we predict what's coming up in a movie right before it's revealed to us (or even better, long before it becomes obvious)...
or when we flash our really difficult-looking textbooks to all the com majors in the library...
or when we blast spanish commercials so that all the cars around us become jealous that we can understand the words coming out of the speakers too quickly for them to comprehend...
or maybe that's just me.
naw, i don't believe it.
Love, krystal
Sunday, February 14, 2010
el dia de san valentin
it's valentine's day.
haha.
i'm remembering my post from last year on this very same holiday...
good times.
i don't want to be that person: the one that writes blog entries that are only like 2 sentences long, but i didn't want to not post anything today, and i'm kinda running out of time so....
SORRY!
and happy valentine's day!
haha.
i'm remembering my post from last year on this very same holiday...
good times.
i don't want to be that person: the one that writes blog entries that are only like 2 sentences long, but i didn't want to not post anything today, and i'm kinda running out of time so....
SORRY!
and happy valentine's day!
Monday, February 8, 2010
ramblings
i hate resumes.
i have a hard enough time thinking of good things about myself, but to be told to frame my experiences in a positive way and to market myself...i can't imagine it.
which is probably not good for my future.
sad day.
on a completely different note...
i need some alone time. i've had a little bit of it...here and there...but i need a long alone time. the way the semester is looking, however, it doesn't seem super probable.
i'm gonna be really tired, really soon.
but it's ok. i know God is faithful. and i trust that.
Love, krystal.
p.s. i can't wait to see my sister at the truth conference. i'm excited.
i have a hard enough time thinking of good things about myself, but to be told to frame my experiences in a positive way and to market myself...i can't imagine it.
which is probably not good for my future.
sad day.
on a completely different note...
i need some alone time. i've had a little bit of it...here and there...but i need a long alone time. the way the semester is looking, however, it doesn't seem super probable.
i'm gonna be really tired, really soon.
but it's ok. i know God is faithful. and i trust that.
Love, krystal.
p.s. i can't wait to see my sister at the truth conference. i'm excited.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
slaves of righteousness
when i was little, i used to have a recurring nightmare. it was so traumatic and consistent, that i remember it to this day.
i remember getting ready for bed and trying so hard not to think about it. i knew that as soon as i got even one small scene into my head, i wouldn't be able to sleep. but as we all know...it's almost impossible to actively forget something.
anyway. my dream. it was very simple and very short...hard to understand why it would traumatize me so much. most nights i couldn't sleep until i crawled into my parents' bed...and that wasn't always acceptable. but it was either bugging my parents or crying myself to sleep.
it started pretty normally. my sister, my mom, my grandma, and I all start out in the car at a parking lot. my mom and grandma inform me and my sister that they'd be going to the restaurant across the parking lot. a restaurant with big windows so that you could see straight into it. me and my sister were to wait by the car until they were done. ok, fine.
so, off go my mom and grandma. me and my sister are hanging out around the car, when suddenly this man comes up. he starts talking to me and my sister about his really sharp knife. at the moment, we're scared...but not completely terrified. suddenly, he grabs an orange from a tree by the car, and in order to show us just how sharp his knife is, he cuts right through it. he then grabs my sister and cuts her. and that's the end of my nightmare. there is no conclusion, he never touches me...and my mom and grandma never see a thing.
right around that time, my dream would start over...and the picture of the man cutting the orange would plague my head for minutes and hours on end.
i remember praying to God and begging him to take the nightmare away. then i would just cry.
i don't know how old i was, or how long it lasted...but i would guess i was close to 7 or 8 or even 9 years old...and i'm sure that same nightmare recurred consistently for at least a couple of months. on and off, and some weeks worse than others.
there was a time when i felt completely defeated. i couldn't take it anymore, and i couldn't bear to even get close to my bed, because i knew it would start again.
then suddenly it went away. i'm not sure when or why. but i remember being done with it one night when i could recall the dream and not let it phase me. i could remember the orange and the man and not have to live through it over and over again.
i felt so free. like a chain had been released. like i could suddenly breath after being suffocated for so long. to this day i don't completely understand what i was going through. but i know it was intense. it was terrifying, and i felt absolutely helpless.
that's a life without God.
maybe during the day, you feel okay....maybe even most of the year, you're alright. maybe for now, you're doing fine. but at night it gets tough. you run to your parents...a temporary relief, and not always willing to help...but that nightmare keeps coming back. as much as you try to avoid it, you're stuck, you're bound and helpless. you're alone. you're terrified. maybe to others, you seem okay. but when people aren't looking, you're lost. you can survive like that for a long time. maybe even for a lifetime. but, man it sucks.
and God doesn't want it that way.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1
but it doesn't end there.
"Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God."-1 Peter 2:16
i know. that was pretty intense. o well.
Love, krystal.
i remember getting ready for bed and trying so hard not to think about it. i knew that as soon as i got even one small scene into my head, i wouldn't be able to sleep. but as we all know...it's almost impossible to actively forget something.
anyway. my dream. it was very simple and very short...hard to understand why it would traumatize me so much. most nights i couldn't sleep until i crawled into my parents' bed...and that wasn't always acceptable. but it was either bugging my parents or crying myself to sleep.
it started pretty normally. my sister, my mom, my grandma, and I all start out in the car at a parking lot. my mom and grandma inform me and my sister that they'd be going to the restaurant across the parking lot. a restaurant with big windows so that you could see straight into it. me and my sister were to wait by the car until they were done. ok, fine.
so, off go my mom and grandma. me and my sister are hanging out around the car, when suddenly this man comes up. he starts talking to me and my sister about his really sharp knife. at the moment, we're scared...but not completely terrified. suddenly, he grabs an orange from a tree by the car, and in order to show us just how sharp his knife is, he cuts right through it. he then grabs my sister and cuts her. and that's the end of my nightmare. there is no conclusion, he never touches me...and my mom and grandma never see a thing.
right around that time, my dream would start over...and the picture of the man cutting the orange would plague my head for minutes and hours on end.
i remember praying to God and begging him to take the nightmare away. then i would just cry.
i don't know how old i was, or how long it lasted...but i would guess i was close to 7 or 8 or even 9 years old...and i'm sure that same nightmare recurred consistently for at least a couple of months. on and off, and some weeks worse than others.
there was a time when i felt completely defeated. i couldn't take it anymore, and i couldn't bear to even get close to my bed, because i knew it would start again.
then suddenly it went away. i'm not sure when or why. but i remember being done with it one night when i could recall the dream and not let it phase me. i could remember the orange and the man and not have to live through it over and over again.
i felt so free. like a chain had been released. like i could suddenly breath after being suffocated for so long. to this day i don't completely understand what i was going through. but i know it was intense. it was terrifying, and i felt absolutely helpless.
that's a life without God.
maybe during the day, you feel okay....maybe even most of the year, you're alright. maybe for now, you're doing fine. but at night it gets tough. you run to your parents...a temporary relief, and not always willing to help...but that nightmare keeps coming back. as much as you try to avoid it, you're stuck, you're bound and helpless. you're alone. you're terrified. maybe to others, you seem okay. but when people aren't looking, you're lost. you can survive like that for a long time. maybe even for a lifetime. but, man it sucks.
and God doesn't want it that way.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1
but it doesn't end there.
"Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God."-1 Peter 2:16
i know. that was pretty intense. o well.
Love, krystal.
Monday, January 18, 2010
i'm so human
i don't know what's wrong with me, but let me tell you---it does NOT feel good.
it's like when you feel sad and distraught, but you know that you shouldn't, and you have no REAL reason to be feeling the way you are...so you're frustrated for being frustrated.
actually it's not like that. it IS that.
it's terrible.
i guess it's okay to be emotional every now and then. but feeling weak is no fun. that's what i feel right now. i feel weak. and i feel stupid for feeling weak.
maybe it's just one of those days.
after all, school starts tomorrow...and that in itself is enough to make me want to cry.
but it's not just that. in fact, i don't think it's that at all.
a lot of things have happened to and around me in the last couple of days. maybe it's that.
yea.
maybe.
actually. i know exactly what it is.
and it's only partly stupid.
paul rejoiced in his weakness.
when you realize how very far you are from the perfection of God, it makes him that much greater.
i think tonight, i realized it just a little bit more.
rejoice.
Love, krystal.
it's like when you feel sad and distraught, but you know that you shouldn't, and you have no REAL reason to be feeling the way you are...so you're frustrated for being frustrated.
actually it's not like that. it IS that.
it's terrible.
i guess it's okay to be emotional every now and then. but feeling weak is no fun. that's what i feel right now. i feel weak. and i feel stupid for feeling weak.
maybe it's just one of those days.
after all, school starts tomorrow...and that in itself is enough to make me want to cry.
but it's not just that. in fact, i don't think it's that at all.
a lot of things have happened to and around me in the last couple of days. maybe it's that.
yea.
maybe.
actually. i know exactly what it is.
and it's only partly stupid.
paul rejoiced in his weakness.
when you realize how very far you are from the perfection of God, it makes him that much greater.
i think tonight, i realized it just a little bit more.
rejoice.
Love, krystal.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
maybe, definitely the worst movie i have seen in a long time
i'm sure a lot of you have seen the movie i speak of: definitely, maybe.
it's happened the way i've let it happen several times before...i never get to movies until they're months and years old. it's not a big deal, i like it that way.
but this is one of those movies i'm sad NOT to have missed. (no offense, roommates who own/like this movie)
let me quickly recap, in case you've been fortunate enough not to have seen this movie:
so this little girl goes to school and is given a sex ed class. (mind you, she's probably like 10, but that's another story). so she's picked up from school by her father (who is in the process of divorcing her mother) and asks him to clarify his love life/past girlfriends to her. her hope is that he would realize that he still loves her mom and won't split up. Her dad answers with an "it's complicated", and agrees to tell her the story about 3 past serious girlfriends, but he decides to leave the names out and have his daughter guess which of the three ends up being her mother.
the rest of the movie basically consists of the story: with 3 distinct women in it, each a possible future wife and mother. (WARNING: the rest of this is a spoiler, so if you still want to watch the movie, don't read this anymore) So the daughter figures out who her mother is. She realizes that her mom and dad will not be getting back together, but also assures her dad that he should be happy. The dad then sees that he's been in love with one of the other 2 girls (not the mom), the whole time, and goes back and visits her with a gift that he had been holding on to for "years". In the end, the dad, the daughter and the NOW new girlfriend all come together for a happy ending of true love and romance. And everyone gets what they want. (whatever happens with the mom, i don't know...but it doesn't matter, right?)
to be fair, it's a great representation of the values of the modern culture. love and comfort and "doing what you heart tells you to".
this also makes it absolute crap.
what's the message here? that we should go into marriage lightly and cling on to old relationships because maybe, someday, we might actually be happy or be fortunate enough to find true love? but in the meantime, it's okay to find a temporary stand-in AKA a wife or husband and start a family that is doomed to end? but don't worry, because what ultimately matters is how you feel and how everything turns out in the end. and if it's where you're meant to go and to be, then everything will be alright.
i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
it's the epitome of selfishness. doing what i think would be best for me, no matter what. being willing to put myself before others, because that's the best way to make myself happy and "fulfilled". this wasn't a love story. it was a story about a guy who honestly feels that the world revolves around him, and ultimately sends the message that that's how everyone else should live,too. and it's all perfectly okay.
i'm sorry if this bursts your bubble, but that's not what Jesus says. This is a man who laid his life down for the sake of our iniquity and sin. He was the definition of selflessness...so what? so we could be the opposite? i don't think so.
but no one wants to watch a movie about a man and woman who get married and stay loyal to that commitment. who build a family on a foundation in God, and who struggle and have joy and trials and blessings and ultimately...give glory to God.
what about me? don't i deserve my own love story? where's my happy ending?
you're asking the wrong questions.
Love, krystal.
it's happened the way i've let it happen several times before...i never get to movies until they're months and years old. it's not a big deal, i like it that way.
but this is one of those movies i'm sad NOT to have missed. (no offense, roommates who own/like this movie)
let me quickly recap, in case you've been fortunate enough not to have seen this movie:
so this little girl goes to school and is given a sex ed class. (mind you, she's probably like 10, but that's another story). so she's picked up from school by her father (who is in the process of divorcing her mother) and asks him to clarify his love life/past girlfriends to her. her hope is that he would realize that he still loves her mom and won't split up. Her dad answers with an "it's complicated", and agrees to tell her the story about 3 past serious girlfriends, but he decides to leave the names out and have his daughter guess which of the three ends up being her mother.
the rest of the movie basically consists of the story: with 3 distinct women in it, each a possible future wife and mother. (WARNING: the rest of this is a spoiler, so if you still want to watch the movie, don't read this anymore) So the daughter figures out who her mother is. She realizes that her mom and dad will not be getting back together, but also assures her dad that he should be happy. The dad then sees that he's been in love with one of the other 2 girls (not the mom), the whole time, and goes back and visits her with a gift that he had been holding on to for "years". In the end, the dad, the daughter and the NOW new girlfriend all come together for a happy ending of true love and romance. And everyone gets what they want. (whatever happens with the mom, i don't know...but it doesn't matter, right?)
to be fair, it's a great representation of the values of the modern culture. love and comfort and "doing what you heart tells you to".
this also makes it absolute crap.
what's the message here? that we should go into marriage lightly and cling on to old relationships because maybe, someday, we might actually be happy or be fortunate enough to find true love? but in the meantime, it's okay to find a temporary stand-in AKA a wife or husband and start a family that is doomed to end? but don't worry, because what ultimately matters is how you feel and how everything turns out in the end. and if it's where you're meant to go and to be, then everything will be alright.
i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.
it's the epitome of selfishness. doing what i think would be best for me, no matter what. being willing to put myself before others, because that's the best way to make myself happy and "fulfilled". this wasn't a love story. it was a story about a guy who honestly feels that the world revolves around him, and ultimately sends the message that that's how everyone else should live,too. and it's all perfectly okay.
i'm sorry if this bursts your bubble, but that's not what Jesus says. This is a man who laid his life down for the sake of our iniquity and sin. He was the definition of selflessness...so what? so we could be the opposite? i don't think so.
but no one wants to watch a movie about a man and woman who get married and stay loyal to that commitment. who build a family on a foundation in God, and who struggle and have joy and trials and blessings and ultimately...give glory to God.
what about me? don't i deserve my own love story? where's my happy ending?
you're asking the wrong questions.
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
i'm back...for now
i think of how long it's been, and i feel ashamed...
i'm sorry to have neglected you, my blog, for so long. it seems like only yesterday that we were such good friends...i'd come to you with my thoughts and concerns and you'd display them for all to see. you knew so much about me, and now, i'm afraid, we have become almost strangers; we can only see faded pictures of what used to be, and ceased long ago to claim any sort of intimacy...
really, i am sorry.
sorry enough, you ask, to come back to you?
perhaps.
i won't make any promises that i can't keep, but will you take an earnest "i will try"?
i hope so.
for old time's sake, dear blog, i would like to update you a little about my life...
the truth is, not much has changed...i'm one semester closer to freedom now, after much turmoil and stress and many, many tearful breakdowns. (what else is new?) some friends have become more, and others less...to sum it up in one word: life. it has happened, and will continue to be. and, for the time being, i'm still here.
praise God :)
Love, krystal.
p.s. i know you thought i couldn't do it, but i did. and so subtle, too. :)
i'm sorry to have neglected you, my blog, for so long. it seems like only yesterday that we were such good friends...i'd come to you with my thoughts and concerns and you'd display them for all to see. you knew so much about me, and now, i'm afraid, we have become almost strangers; we can only see faded pictures of what used to be, and ceased long ago to claim any sort of intimacy...
really, i am sorry.
sorry enough, you ask, to come back to you?
perhaps.
i won't make any promises that i can't keep, but will you take an earnest "i will try"?
i hope so.
for old time's sake, dear blog, i would like to update you a little about my life...
the truth is, not much has changed...i'm one semester closer to freedom now, after much turmoil and stress and many, many tearful breakdowns. (what else is new?) some friends have become more, and others less...to sum it up in one word: life. it has happened, and will continue to be. and, for the time being, i'm still here.
praise God :)
Love, krystal.
p.s. i know you thought i couldn't do it, but i did. and so subtle, too. :)
Friday, October 16, 2009
away from home
my brother called me for help on his algebra homework last night.
and i really wanted to be there with him...and for him to call me before he realized he might have to retake the class...
if i could ever legitimately feel guilty about being out-of-state...last night would have been one of those moments.
Love, krystal.
and i really wanted to be there with him...and for him to call me before he realized he might have to retake the class...
if i could ever legitimately feel guilty about being out-of-state...last night would have been one of those moments.
Love, krystal.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
mi hermanita
i'm so frustrated. and then i get upset for letting myself feel frustrated. it's a horrible cycle and not one that i can easily control.
anyway. i've been thinking a lot lately and journaling a lot and praying a lot. it's been good, for the most part, and i feel really comfortable just sitting with myself and God, talking over stuff and figuring things out in my head. but i also greatly appreciate the people in my life that i can talk about crazy krystal thoughts with. one of these people is my sister.
if you had known me any time before this year, you would be surprised to hear me say that. let's just say me and my sister were not exactly the best of friends for most of our lives. you'd be less surprised to hear me complain about how she would never talk to me, or ask for prayer or patience with her.
today, however, i can praise God for giving me such an amazing sister. it's such a blessing and a relief to have someone in your family that you can entrust your thoughts and emotions and feelings to...and she would agree when i say that in our family, we never really had that. And the best thing is, it's all God.
When i look at how far my sister and i have come even in the last couple of months, there's no one i can blame but God. (and blame is the wrong word, but you know what i mean).
So i thank God for my sister. and i can see now how all the difficult and frustrating and horrible experiences with her in our past has made this time so much sweeter and given God so much more glory.
i love you, max! sorry if this is embarrassing. <3
Love, krystal.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
la la la la la
i find that my favorite time to blog is exactly when i should be doing anything but. right now, for example. i have several things to do and missions to accomplish, and yet, here i am. such is life.
as i sit here, waiting for motivation (which usually doesn't come until right about the time i have no other option), i'm listening to one of my temporarily favorite songs. you know: that song that you play on repeat for about a week, then get sick of cuz you've listened to it so many times? that happens to me every week. without fail. the next time you talk to me, ask me which one it is. for the next couple of days, it will be "nada es para siempre" by luis fonsi.
when i first heard the song, courtesy of pandora, i was drawn by the music...for some reason, i liked the way it sounded. and if it wasn't for that, i'm not sure that i would be a huge fan of the song.
it's the reason i love (most) worship music. because though the sound of a song can offer a lot, ultimately, the words are empty and without meaning. i can listen to the radio for quite a bit, but ultimately, my heart longs for truth, not for nonsense. so i turn my ipod on and let my soul be filled with worship. it's such a great feeling of peace and awe and thanksgiving and joy. the stuff that only God can give.
i praise God that He has given me such a heart for worship...especially through music. it's been on my face in worship that i've come to experience so much grace and freedom and complete humility.
praise God, who hears my voice and fills me with His inexpressible joy.
Love, krystal.
as i sit here, waiting for motivation (which usually doesn't come until right about the time i have no other option), i'm listening to one of my temporarily favorite songs. you know: that song that you play on repeat for about a week, then get sick of cuz you've listened to it so many times? that happens to me every week. without fail. the next time you talk to me, ask me which one it is. for the next couple of days, it will be "nada es para siempre" by luis fonsi.
when i first heard the song, courtesy of pandora, i was drawn by the music...for some reason, i liked the way it sounded. and if it wasn't for that, i'm not sure that i would be a huge fan of the song.
it's the reason i love (most) worship music. because though the sound of a song can offer a lot, ultimately, the words are empty and without meaning. i can listen to the radio for quite a bit, but ultimately, my heart longs for truth, not for nonsense. so i turn my ipod on and let my soul be filled with worship. it's such a great feeling of peace and awe and thanksgiving and joy. the stuff that only God can give.
i praise God that He has given me such a heart for worship...especially through music. it's been on my face in worship that i've come to experience so much grace and freedom and complete humility.
praise God, who hears my voice and fills me with His inexpressible joy.
Love, krystal.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
another year.
today's my dad's birthday.
and when i called him this morning to wish him a happy one, he asked me for money and handed the phone off.
and that's pretty much how it's been all my life.
i could get angry. i could get upset. i could cry. but i've done it all before.
so i'm just gonna pray. and get back to my work.
happy birthday, papi.
Love, krystal.
and when i called him this morning to wish him a happy one, he asked me for money and handed the phone off.
and that's pretty much how it's been all my life.
i could get angry. i could get upset. i could cry. but i've done it all before.
so i'm just gonna pray. and get back to my work.
happy birthday, papi.
Love, krystal.
Monday, August 31, 2009
my heart hurts. and i'm tired.
i knew it. but i didn't want to be right.
i'm angry. i'm dissapointed. i'm overwhelmed.
but mostly, i'm just sad.
i wish there was something i could do. i wish there was a quick fix...and that i could figure it out.
but i know that it's in God's hands. and who am i to think that my plan could be better?
i just wish it didn't hurt so bad.
Love, krystal.
i'm angry. i'm dissapointed. i'm overwhelmed.
but mostly, i'm just sad.
i wish there was something i could do. i wish there was a quick fix...and that i could figure it out.
but i know that it's in God's hands. and who am i to think that my plan could be better?
i just wish it didn't hurt so bad.
Love, krystal.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
back to school
i have a huge tendency to complain. it's something i've struggled with for most of my life: just ask my mom and dad.
and most of the time, i don't mean anything by it. sometimes, i just don't know what else to say, or maybe i want to start a conversation and our common dislike of a situation seems the easiest option.
as school begins again, our schedules change, our priorities realign, our conversations shift. and as i sat in class and listened and participated in the usual conversations, i realized that it's all we ever do. we're upset at something we've been assigned; annoyed at the busy schedule; aware of a teacher's incompetence; or just plain tired. "did you hear what dr. so and so said?" "can you believe we have to buy that book?" "don't you hate so and so and the way she always has a question?"
i wonder what jesus has to say about us. how annoyed must he be as he sits among us and is dissapointed in our words over and over again?
besides. why do we do it? don't we just want to validate our own issues and feelings? isn't it really just a really prideful and self-righteous exercise? maybe making fun of the teacher will help me fit in, maybe i can hide the fact that i'm scared i won't be able to do it if i make sure everyone knows that i think the expectations are ridiculous.
we're so vain. we're so prideful and selfish. whatever happened to humility and turning the other cheek? why can't i accept the place God has me in and seek to work as unto Him at all times, without whining about things i can't control?
"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." phil.2:14-16
I really do need to work on that.
Love, krystal
and most of the time, i don't mean anything by it. sometimes, i just don't know what else to say, or maybe i want to start a conversation and our common dislike of a situation seems the easiest option.
as school begins again, our schedules change, our priorities realign, our conversations shift. and as i sat in class and listened and participated in the usual conversations, i realized that it's all we ever do. we're upset at something we've been assigned; annoyed at the busy schedule; aware of a teacher's incompetence; or just plain tired. "did you hear what dr. so and so said?" "can you believe we have to buy that book?" "don't you hate so and so and the way she always has a question?"
i wonder what jesus has to say about us. how annoyed must he be as he sits among us and is dissapointed in our words over and over again?
besides. why do we do it? don't we just want to validate our own issues and feelings? isn't it really just a really prideful and self-righteous exercise? maybe making fun of the teacher will help me fit in, maybe i can hide the fact that i'm scared i won't be able to do it if i make sure everyone knows that i think the expectations are ridiculous.
we're so vain. we're so prideful and selfish. whatever happened to humility and turning the other cheek? why can't i accept the place God has me in and seek to work as unto Him at all times, without whining about things i can't control?
"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." phil.2:14-16
I really do need to work on that.
Love, krystal
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I-10 adventures
i drive a good amount. during the semester i drive to and from school basically everyday, and i run errands and you know, normal stuff like that. also, twice a semester (at the beginning and the end) i drive from tempe,AZ to lakewood, CA or vice versa: about a 6 hour endeavor.
this last friday i stuck to tradition and drove down here from CA. as i was driving on the I-10 (oh blessed I-10), i found myself constantly surrounded by large trailer trucks. i understand the importance of these trucks, and the sadness that they must feel being away from home and lonely for so long at a time, not even able to drive at a normal 75mph speed, but stuck at their 55-60mph limit. but after having to slow down and throw my cruise control off for the hundredth time just so these trucks could bypass each other and play their little "i'm faster than you" games, i just about lost all of my compassion for them. it was at about this point that i remembered to look on their back doors and catch a glimpse at the phrase "how's my driving?". i then glanced down at the number below the lovely phrase and decided once and for all to let them know how i really felt. here is what happened:
h.m.d.(how's my driving): good morning, this is bob* (*real names have been changed).
me: hi, i wanted to comment on someone's driving.
h.m.d.: yes, that would be me.
me: wait? you're the guy driving a red trailer truck on the I-10 eastbound?
h.m.d.: yep, what's up?
me: well. you just cut me off and made me slow down just so you could beat your little friend in the blue truck...i think that qualifies as bad driving.
h.m.d.: hmmm. i disagree.
me: i'm sorry, i didn't call "how's my driving" to have someone disagree with me...i called to let you know that, well, your driving's horrible and i think you should quit or at least get fired.
h.m.d.: ok. i'll log it in my official comment book.
me: i don't believe you. what kind of system allows their own drivers to record complaints? if you ask me, it's completely illogical.
h.m.d.: thank you maam. i will be sure to let them know.
me: are you kidding me?! can i get your supervisor on th..(click).
or at least, that's what would have happened if i had actually called. all i really did was tailgate him until he got over to the other lane and sped away.
Love, krystal.
this last friday i stuck to tradition and drove down here from CA. as i was driving on the I-10 (oh blessed I-10), i found myself constantly surrounded by large trailer trucks. i understand the importance of these trucks, and the sadness that they must feel being away from home and lonely for so long at a time, not even able to drive at a normal 75mph speed, but stuck at their 55-60mph limit. but after having to slow down and throw my cruise control off for the hundredth time just so these trucks could bypass each other and play their little "i'm faster than you" games, i just about lost all of my compassion for them. it was at about this point that i remembered to look on their back doors and catch a glimpse at the phrase "how's my driving?". i then glanced down at the number below the lovely phrase and decided once and for all to let them know how i really felt. here is what happened:
h.m.d.(how's my driving): good morning, this is bob* (*real names have been changed).
me: hi, i wanted to comment on someone's driving.
h.m.d.: yes, that would be me.
me: wait? you're the guy driving a red trailer truck on the I-10 eastbound?
h.m.d.: yep, what's up?
me: well. you just cut me off and made me slow down just so you could beat your little friend in the blue truck...i think that qualifies as bad driving.
h.m.d.: hmmm. i disagree.
me: i'm sorry, i didn't call "how's my driving" to have someone disagree with me...i called to let you know that, well, your driving's horrible and i think you should quit or at least get fired.
h.m.d.: ok. i'll log it in my official comment book.
me: i don't believe you. what kind of system allows their own drivers to record complaints? if you ask me, it's completely illogical.
h.m.d.: thank you maam. i will be sure to let them know.
me: are you kidding me?! can i get your supervisor on th..(click).
or at least, that's what would have happened if i had actually called. all i really did was tailgate him until he got over to the other lane and sped away.
Love, krystal.
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