james 2.
vs. 1-13
james speaks mostly on the sin of partiality here. but though he mainly addressed the judgment of the rich vs. the poor, i don't think that's where the sin ends. he contrasts the sin of partiality with the law that says "you shall love your neighbor as yourself". therefore, it seems that the ignorance of this law produces and is evidence of partiality. then there are many ways that i can NOT love my neighbor that have nothing to do with their state of finances. and when i do this i am no longer speaking or acting as "those who are to be judged under the law of liberty", but living as though we have not all been given the same mercy; that in some way i deserve it more than my neighbor. hence the last verse: "for judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. mercy triumphs over judgment".
this statement should bring us joy. it should fill us with thanks and humility because it means that God allowed His grace and mercy on us to triumph over our sin.
why, then, does it not instill in me this attitude toward my fellow sinners? why, then, do i have such a hard time granting mercy rather than placing judgment? my pride has convinced me that my sin is not so great. that i was easier to forgive and show mercy to than my neighbor. how twisted.
vs. 14
"what good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith, but does not have works? can that faith save him?"
what's the answer to that question? what kind of faith does not produce work?
"so also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." (vs. 17)
is dead faith saving faith? can dead faith save us? save me? is it still counted as faith?
some questions i've been thinking about.
Love, krystal.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
the beginning of a beautiful friendship...
james 1
i spent about a week or so on this chapter alone, so i'm gonna share just a little of what i experienced as i went through it.
vs. 5: "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him"
what do those words mean in the context of this verse/passage? i spent a lot of time dwelling on them, trying to find a connection and an explanation for the wording.
the only cross reference in my bible is to prov.28:5 which says "evil men do not understand justice but those who seek the Lord understand it completely"
which made me think that maybe the key in the verse was not so much the without reproach, but the generously.
the idea that our God would not hold back any wisdom, but grant it to us completely and without reproach, or without any thought to our underservedness.
the word REPROACH is defined as:
i spent about a week or so on this chapter alone, so i'm gonna share just a little of what i experienced as i went through it.
vs. 5: "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him"
what do those words mean in the context of this verse/passage? i spent a lot of time dwelling on them, trying to find a connection and an explanation for the wording.
the only cross reference in my bible is to prov.28:5 which says "evil men do not understand justice but those who seek the Lord understand it completely"
which made me think that maybe the key in the verse was not so much the without reproach, but the generously.
the idea that our God would not hold back any wisdom, but grant it to us completely and without reproach, or without any thought to our underservedness.
the word REPROACH is defined as:
1. To express disapproval of, criticism of, or disappointment in (someone).
2. To bring shame upon; disgrace.
the second definition is the one that jumps out at me. the idea that my God does not show wisdom with the intent of producing shame, but in a generous and complete way as if it were His will to grant it.
anyway. those are my thoughts on that. :) and hopefully NOT just my thoughts.
throughout the first chapter, i found a theme of sorts. every time i read another paragraph or section, it came back to this thought. that of CONSTANCY vs. FICKLENESS.
"let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect..."
"the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind"
"he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways"
"like a flower of the grass he will pass away"
"blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial..."
"each man is tempted when he is lured and enticed..."
"from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change"
"but the one who...perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed..."
it seems to me that there is blessedness and honor for him who remains constant. not tossed by the wind or easily persuaded, but one perseveres under trial.
my biggest question was, what is the problem with fickleness? sure, it's not a very pretty word, but what makes it that way? and why does james say that one who doubts is double-minded and unstable in all his ways?
perhaps because the one who is fickle has placed his own opinions, feelings, comfort level, and sense of truth above God's. he has decided to lean on his own inclinations which tell him to move one way and then another. he has placed his own wisdom above God's. God who DOES NOT CHANGE.
it talks about the man who asks for wisdom without faith but with doubt, expecting to receive it. he has placed his methods and ideas on a pedestal, in his own pride believing that he can have each foot on opposite ground. he can pick and choose truth without having to take a stand. i don't think God likes that...
okay. i know that was kinda long, and i might have gotten a little carried away, but i think this is good stuff. feel free to comment on whatever. especially if you think i might have said something weird or even wrong. :/ or to provide further insight...
Love, krystal.
the second definition is the one that jumps out at me. the idea that my God does not show wisdom with the intent of producing shame, but in a generous and complete way as if it were His will to grant it.
anyway. those are my thoughts on that. :) and hopefully NOT just my thoughts.
throughout the first chapter, i found a theme of sorts. every time i read another paragraph or section, it came back to this thought. that of CONSTANCY vs. FICKLENESS.
"let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect..."
"the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind"
"he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways"
"like a flower of the grass he will pass away"
"blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial..."
"each man is tempted when he is lured and enticed..."
"from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change"
"but the one who...perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed..."
it seems to me that there is blessedness and honor for him who remains constant. not tossed by the wind or easily persuaded, but one perseveres under trial.
my biggest question was, what is the problem with fickleness? sure, it's not a very pretty word, but what makes it that way? and why does james say that one who doubts is double-minded and unstable in all his ways?
perhaps because the one who is fickle has placed his own opinions, feelings, comfort level, and sense of truth above God's. he has decided to lean on his own inclinations which tell him to move one way and then another. he has placed his own wisdom above God's. God who DOES NOT CHANGE.
it talks about the man who asks for wisdom without faith but with doubt, expecting to receive it. he has placed his methods and ideas on a pedestal, in his own pride believing that he can have each foot on opposite ground. he can pick and choose truth without having to take a stand. i don't think God likes that...
okay. i know that was kinda long, and i might have gotten a little carried away, but i think this is good stuff. feel free to comment on whatever. especially if you think i might have said something weird or even wrong. :/ or to provide further insight...
Love, krystal.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
santiago
been reading james.
there's so much stuff in there and i wanted to share some of my questions and thoughts and discoveries and emotions as i go through it.
this is just a pre-blog, i guess. a promise of more to come.
i'm excited.
for now, i leave you with this: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (ch.1:19-20)
Love, krystal.
there's so much stuff in there and i wanted to share some of my questions and thoughts and discoveries and emotions as i go through it.
this is just a pre-blog, i guess. a promise of more to come.
i'm excited.
for now, i leave you with this: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (ch.1:19-20)
Love, krystal.
Monday, December 13, 2010
sir,sir, can you hear me?!
currently sitting in my ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) class.
please don't collapse around me...i don't think my nursing skills would kick in fast enough to overcome my "oh no don't die!" instincts
also thinking about not spending christmas at home for the first time ever. it's kinda sad. and new. mostly it sucks to think that my gifts won't be opened til i see my family at new years. not my gifts as in their gifts to me, but my gifts to them. to be honest, i'll be working through christmas eve and sleeping through the day, so i don't think i'll actually miss much. except the food. no posole for me.
i'm finished with my new grad program on friday...gonna be on my own with 5-6 patients!! crazy. pray for me. :)
Love, krystal.
please don't collapse around me...i don't think my nursing skills would kick in fast enough to overcome my "oh no don't die!" instincts
also thinking about not spending christmas at home for the first time ever. it's kinda sad. and new. mostly it sucks to think that my gifts won't be opened til i see my family at new years. not my gifts as in their gifts to me, but my gifts to them. to be honest, i'll be working through christmas eve and sleeping through the day, so i don't think i'll actually miss much. except the food. no posole for me.
i'm finished with my new grad program on friday...gonna be on my own with 5-6 patients!! crazy. pray for me. :)
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
freaking bugs
i felt it as it creeped into my vulnerable body, slowly taking over, not quite subtle enough to take me by surprise; though i suspect that was never its intention. no, it knew what it wanted from the very start and has produced in me a type of inconsolable desperation, knowing that for the time being it has grasped my full attention and that my attempts to resist are futile.
my throat is being scratched by cold shards of glass with every breath, and my lungs no longer own their usual freedom, constrained by the empty threat of further consequences--but they cannot, or perhaps just refuse, to let go of their stubborn convictions. blindness seems a better description for their lot. my muscles have been duped into thinking they need more and more rest...refusing to grasp the fact that they haven't made any strenuous movement for hours and possibly days. my nose would cry if it could, being stretched beyond its capacity by more and more seemingly unnecessary pressure. my ears do cry: one steady pitch of agony that makes it out of its canal disguised as a dull roar.
in one respect my mind has become an incredibly powerful traitor; allowing my body to believe the clever lie. on the other, she may be more like a sort of mole: taking pleasure in each side's victory and defeat, and yet ultimately apathetic. in this case, she has allowed the enemy to take joy in its illusion of mastery while secretly sending out the opposition. slowly they work, the opposition. painfully slowly, not possessing the ability to share in the torture but sent on a mission that happens to be best conquered at a small and steady pace.
soon these mind games will be over; the senses and emotions conjured up will have been tossed into the wind, only to be recalled for a minute at a time--not nearly as clearly as its present state. this is its chance. and it will be juiced for all it's worth.
aka, i'm sick and it sucks.
Love, krystal.
my throat is being scratched by cold shards of glass with every breath, and my lungs no longer own their usual freedom, constrained by the empty threat of further consequences--but they cannot, or perhaps just refuse, to let go of their stubborn convictions. blindness seems a better description for their lot. my muscles have been duped into thinking they need more and more rest...refusing to grasp the fact that they haven't made any strenuous movement for hours and possibly days. my nose would cry if it could, being stretched beyond its capacity by more and more seemingly unnecessary pressure. my ears do cry: one steady pitch of agony that makes it out of its canal disguised as a dull roar.
in one respect my mind has become an incredibly powerful traitor; allowing my body to believe the clever lie. on the other, she may be more like a sort of mole: taking pleasure in each side's victory and defeat, and yet ultimately apathetic. in this case, she has allowed the enemy to take joy in its illusion of mastery while secretly sending out the opposition. slowly they work, the opposition. painfully slowly, not possessing the ability to share in the torture but sent on a mission that happens to be best conquered at a small and steady pace.
soon these mind games will be over; the senses and emotions conjured up will have been tossed into the wind, only to be recalled for a minute at a time--not nearly as clearly as its present state. this is its chance. and it will be juiced for all it's worth.
aka, i'm sick and it sucks.
Love, krystal.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
love
It's the first day with my preceptor at my new workplace: the med/surg & telemetry floor at maryvale hospital.
so exciting!
Love, krystal.
so exciting!
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
the sound of flowing water
for the record...i hate urine tests.
and i will forever have flashbacks of the tiny little "holding room" for those who can't pee into a cup on the first try. a.k.a. me.
Love, krystal.
and i will forever have flashbacks of the tiny little "holding room" for those who can't pee into a cup on the first try. a.k.a. me.
Love, krystal.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
lonelyyy, i'm so lonelyyy...
did you ever wish you had all the time in the world? a free schedule not bogged down by pressing responsibilities and due dates?
don't.
it's terrible.
is it more terrible than being stressed and burdened out of your mind? perhaps not. but i must say both ends of the spectrum have the potential to drive a person insane. and i might just be toeing the line.
i feel like a dog who has suddenly lost a significant amount of control of his hind legs and whose existence now consists of nap after rest after nap. ironically, such a dog is currently in the nap stage of his life at my side. (though maybe not so ironically, because the fact that he is there is probably what led me to draw the comparison).
however, i can safely say that i have not yet reached the point of total uselessness...as is obvious by the fact that i am currently writing an entry for my blog. though one might contest that producing an entry for a blog that is only read by about 15 people (at the very most), is not necessarily useful. to which i would reply: really? can't i at least have this?
and so, to further prove that my existence really does matter, i will now make a very useful list of songs i absolutely love:
fly me to the moon.
hmm. well, that's all i have. i just listened to it on Pandora, so it was fresh in my mind. although i doubt that any of you are actually interested in reading a list of songs that i like. or that such a list is as useful as i implied.
take a bow (by leona lewis). that's another one.
i saw a documentary about dreams today. it was pretty interesting...at least the part that i paid attention to was. apparently, a human goes into a type of paralytic state when they're in the REM cycle--completely unable to move any muscle. which is incredibly handy because they did an experiment where they took away the part of the brain that commands the body into a paralytic state in cats, and they had footage of cats chasing mice and attacking things in their sleep. and they found some people that have some disorder where the paralysis never kicks in--these people wake up to find their room a mess, with lamps and tables knocked over, cuz they act out their dreams in their sleep. crazy.
so it's just me and Fes at the moment. (who, in case you didn't get the reference earlier, is basically bedbound after losing the feeling in his hind legs for a couple of days and learning now to hobble around with the little feeling that he seems to be regaining). the dog never was a very active pet, but now he seems to have lost the will to move. although i'm not sure he's too disappointed. consequently, however, i'm not sure how he feels about me. (though, considering the circumstances, that's probably not the most crucial dilemma at the moment). he used to hop onto the couch with me whenever i was around, but now he can't hop at all, and i can't really read his expressions. we'll have to make do with the remnants of the relationship that remain. i should let him go outside for a bit.
Love, krystal.
don't.
it's terrible.
is it more terrible than being stressed and burdened out of your mind? perhaps not. but i must say both ends of the spectrum have the potential to drive a person insane. and i might just be toeing the line.
i feel like a dog who has suddenly lost a significant amount of control of his hind legs and whose existence now consists of nap after rest after nap. ironically, such a dog is currently in the nap stage of his life at my side. (though maybe not so ironically, because the fact that he is there is probably what led me to draw the comparison).
however, i can safely say that i have not yet reached the point of total uselessness...as is obvious by the fact that i am currently writing an entry for my blog. though one might contest that producing an entry for a blog that is only read by about 15 people (at the very most), is not necessarily useful. to which i would reply: really? can't i at least have this?
and so, to further prove that my existence really does matter, i will now make a very useful list of songs i absolutely love:
fly me to the moon.
hmm. well, that's all i have. i just listened to it on Pandora, so it was fresh in my mind. although i doubt that any of you are actually interested in reading a list of songs that i like. or that such a list is as useful as i implied.
take a bow (by leona lewis). that's another one.
i saw a documentary about dreams today. it was pretty interesting...at least the part that i paid attention to was. apparently, a human goes into a type of paralytic state when they're in the REM cycle--completely unable to move any muscle. which is incredibly handy because they did an experiment where they took away the part of the brain that commands the body into a paralytic state in cats, and they had footage of cats chasing mice and attacking things in their sleep. and they found some people that have some disorder where the paralysis never kicks in--these people wake up to find their room a mess, with lamps and tables knocked over, cuz they act out their dreams in their sleep. crazy.
so it's just me and Fes at the moment. (who, in case you didn't get the reference earlier, is basically bedbound after losing the feeling in his hind legs for a couple of days and learning now to hobble around with the little feeling that he seems to be regaining). the dog never was a very active pet, but now he seems to have lost the will to move. although i'm not sure he's too disappointed. consequently, however, i'm not sure how he feels about me. (though, considering the circumstances, that's probably not the most crucial dilemma at the moment). he used to hop onto the couch with me whenever i was around, but now he can't hop at all, and i can't really read his expressions. we'll have to make do with the remnants of the relationship that remain. i should let him go outside for a bit.
Love, krystal.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
jigga what?!
God gave me a job today!
i start on the 27th of this month.
it's 12 weeks of full-time on-the-floor/in-the-classroom training which will transition into a full-load nursing position on the med/surg/telemetry floor.
it's at maryvale hospital in phoenix (slightly ghetto, but all that means is that i get to be around my peeps a lot more than most :))
i'm so excited! Praise God.
i'll actually be able to pay rent out of my own pocket now!
and i get to be a nurse!
Love, krystal.
i start on the 27th of this month.
it's 12 weeks of full-time on-the-floor/in-the-classroom training which will transition into a full-load nursing position on the med/surg/telemetry floor.
it's at maryvale hospital in phoenix (slightly ghetto, but all that means is that i get to be around my peeps a lot more than most :))
i'm so excited! Praise God.
i'll actually be able to pay rent out of my own pocket now!
and i get to be a nurse!
Love, krystal.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
are you there, God? it's me...
please resist the urge to assume, because of the title of my post, that i doubt that God is listening to me...it was merely for the fun of quoting one of my favorite pre-teenage-hood books that i'm letting it slide :)
anyway. lots of things have been happening lately. though if you took a look at my incredibly unbusy schedule, you'd probably have trouble believing it. but lately i've been talking to God and journaling in massive amounts,which is definitely NOT a bad thing, but serves as an indication of the turmoil of my spirit and heart and mind and everything my body involves. although turmoil may not be the right word.
it feels like every minute there's an emotion or a thought or a conviction that i just have to bring to God. nothing in my life is stable. and yet, i feel a sense of peace.
i don't know where i will be a week from now, let alone a month from now, and i have thoughts that battle back and forth--wanting to appease my father, not wanting to disappoint anyone (including myself), wanting to make wise decisions, but fearing that i won't. and when i turn once again to my God, i hear Him say "I am the Lord". and who can say otherwise? not me.
today was an especially turmoil-filled day. a phone-call from my dad, another one from my mom, a chat with a friend, a discouraging internet search, and a lot of time to think about it all.
but i rest in the comfort that, first of all, God is God, and second of all, He doesn't grow tired of listening. and i continue to pray that He would do what He wants, and that i would rest in joy.
Love, krystal.
Ezekiel 34:25-31
25 “I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. 26 And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing. 27 And the trees of the field shall yield their fruit, and the earth shall yield its increase, and they shall be secure in their land. And they shall know that I am the Lord, when I break the bars of their yoke, and deliver them from the hand of those who enslaved them. 28 They shall no more be a prey to the nations, nor shall the beasts of the land devour them. They shall dwell securely, and none shall make them afraid. 29 And I will provide for them renowned plantations so that they shall no more be consumed with hunger in the land, and no longer suffer the reproach of the nations. 30 And they shall know that I am the Lord their God with them, and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Lord God. 31 And you are my sheep, human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord God.”
anyway. lots of things have been happening lately. though if you took a look at my incredibly unbusy schedule, you'd probably have trouble believing it. but lately i've been talking to God and journaling in massive amounts,which is definitely NOT a bad thing, but serves as an indication of the turmoil of my spirit and heart and mind and everything my body involves. although turmoil may not be the right word.
it feels like every minute there's an emotion or a thought or a conviction that i just have to bring to God. nothing in my life is stable. and yet, i feel a sense of peace.
i don't know where i will be a week from now, let alone a month from now, and i have thoughts that battle back and forth--wanting to appease my father, not wanting to disappoint anyone (including myself), wanting to make wise decisions, but fearing that i won't. and when i turn once again to my God, i hear Him say "I am the Lord". and who can say otherwise? not me.
today was an especially turmoil-filled day. a phone-call from my dad, another one from my mom, a chat with a friend, a discouraging internet search, and a lot of time to think about it all.
but i rest in the comfort that, first of all, God is God, and second of all, He doesn't grow tired of listening. and i continue to pray that He would do what He wants, and that i would rest in joy.
Love, krystal.
Ezekiel 34:25-31
25 “I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. 26 And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing. 27 And the trees of the field shall yield their fruit, and the earth shall yield its increase, and they shall be secure in their land. And they shall know that I am the Lord, when I break the bars of their yoke, and deliver them from the hand of those who enslaved them. 28 They shall no more be a prey to the nations, nor shall the beasts of the land devour them. They shall dwell securely, and none shall make them afraid. 29 And I will provide for them renowned plantations so that they shall no more be consumed with hunger in the land, and no longer suffer the reproach of the nations. 30 And they shall know that I am the Lord their God with them, and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Lord God. 31 And you are my sheep, human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord God.”
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
krystal soto, RN, BSN
i have to look for a job now. which is both exciting and incredibly scary. but God is patient with me and urges me continuously not to be afraid. it's been the theme of the lasts few months of my life, and i'm sure it will continue to be a theme throughout my time here on earth.
He has created this world with a few words, what shall i fear?
He has called me His own, what shall i fear?
He has delivered me from the dead, what shall i fear?
He is faithful, even when i am faithless, what shall i fear?
He determines my steps, what shall i fear?
He is my rock, my salvation, my father, my GOD. what shall i fear?
nothing.
my soul is willing, my flesh is weak. but He is my strength.
Love, krystal.
for you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” -rom.8:15
He has created this world with a few words, what shall i fear?
He has called me His own, what shall i fear?
He has delivered me from the dead, what shall i fear?
He is faithful, even when i am faithless, what shall i fear?
He determines my steps, what shall i fear?
He is my rock, my salvation, my father, my GOD. what shall i fear?
nothing.
my soul is willing, my flesh is weak. but He is my strength.
Love, krystal.
for you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” -rom.8:15
Friday, August 13, 2010
perfect lamb
i wrote a new song today...first one since my actual first song 3 years ago my sophomore year...
and both times, it just came out...like one minute i'm studying for the NCLEX, the next there's a new song in a word document.
God is so good, it's amazing we ever doubt it.
anyway. God bless, peeps.
(and pray that i do well on my NCLEX)
Love, krystal.
and both times, it just came out...like one minute i'm studying for the NCLEX, the next there's a new song in a word document.
God is so good, it's amazing we ever doubt it.
anyway. God bless, peeps.
(and pray that i do well on my NCLEX)
Love, krystal.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Update #2
Hey!
I'm sitting in a cute little apartment in Guanajuato, Gto (Mexico), and I've decided to update you all again. I don't have too much time to sit at a computer (especially since I don't have a laptop here in Mexico), but we have a little break tonight before we head to San Luis Potosi and meet up with the whole Mexico team tomorrow morning.
The family that we have been staying with here in Guanajuato is one of the kindest I've met (and with a last name like Soto, they have to be). They have truly been a blessing to those of us staying here with them. The family is one of a widowed mother and three children, ages 14, 16, and 18. The mother's husband died soon after her youngest was born, and to hear her talk about her story has been truly difficult and heartbreaking. But she and her family have so much love to give that I have to ask myself why I can't show that same kind of love. It is truly a testimony to the great power of God and how loving He is to those who lean on Him.
Time has been going very fast, and I've been learning so many things, both about others and about myself. One thing God has really been showing me is His sovereign power. Many times I feel responsible for others' relationship with Christ, I feel it my responsibility to bring others into a lifestyle that is most like my own. But that burden does not belong to me...nor do I have the power to carry it. God has been really showing me that His power is enough and that it is only by His grace that I am where I am. It is such an amazing freedom and such an opportunity to show others the love that He has given me without obligation. And the people here in Mexico are so great. They love each other well, from the way they greet each other, to the intentionality of their conversation, I have learned much about what it means to just BE with others. And I'm looking forward to going back home and greeting everyone (even strangers) with a kiss. (Okay, maybe not).
As this program is soon coming to an end, please pray for continued protection here in Mexico. Though we are very cautious, the truth is that this country is not the safest place to be. Also continue to pray for my team. There are three of us here in Mexico, and one had to stay back in San Antonio (and we miss her very much), and it's become very easy to forget to spend time in the bible, or not think about the memory verses, so please pray that we continue to be diligent, even as we spend time in a different environment.
Thank you so much for your support. I truly believe that God has being doing big things here, both in my heart, and in the hearts of the other people in the program. Praise God!
Love, krystal.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
living it up in san antonio!
I'm sitting in the only place I can find a wireless connection here at the University Oaks Apartments, where we'll be staying for the next 2.5 weeks. As a team leader, I arrived here in San Antonio on Wednesday, and spent about 5 days in meetings hashing out plans and fixing up the schedule while also getting the know the rest of the team leaders and staff. By the end of the 5 days, we were all anxious for the arrival of the rest of the students. They arrived yesterday throughout the day, and we saw the program start coming together. I was both excited and nervous to meet the three girls on my team, knowing that they would become a big part of my summer ministry in the next 4 weeks.
They are three very different ladies. There's Amanda*, who is here from the University of Northern Iowa as a sophomore Spanish major. There's Linda*, who comes from Rio Hondo College in Southern California. And there's Roxy*, the young daughter of a Navigator missionary couple originally from the U.S., but now serving in Mexico.
As I listened to their testimonies during "team time" at dinner, I was amazed at the stories. All three have gone through a lot of recent struggles in their faith despite having been raised in strong Christian families. One feels that she has been on a roller coaster of a Christian life, with periods of legalism and periods of excessive freedom. Another comes from a background of drug abuse and rebellion, having recently recommitted her life to Christ. And yet another feels like she lives two lives, knowing the truth, but being easily swayed by the pressures of friends and popularity. In each story, I can find areas to relate to, but also areas that I feel completely inexperienced with. I know that God is going to challenge not only me, but the rest of the girls on my team this summer, and I'm looking forward to it. As we spend time studying Acts this summer, a verse from chapter 5 comes to mind: "So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them."
Our God is all-powerful, and if He's working here at this summer program, there's nothing that can stop Him.
Please pray for the students in the program and my team and I this summer; that we would draw near to the throne of God and find peace and comfort and a Truth that is more powerful than anything man can do or imagine.
Love, krystal.
*names have been changed
p.s. i have to admit, that i feel somewhat at home in a city that loves the Spurs as much as i do. <3
They are three very different ladies. There's Amanda*, who is here from the University of Northern Iowa as a sophomore Spanish major. There's Linda*, who comes from Rio Hondo College in Southern California. And there's Roxy*, the young daughter of a Navigator missionary couple originally from the U.S., but now serving in Mexico.
As I listened to their testimonies during "team time" at dinner, I was amazed at the stories. All three have gone through a lot of recent struggles in their faith despite having been raised in strong Christian families. One feels that she has been on a roller coaster of a Christian life, with periods of legalism and periods of excessive freedom. Another comes from a background of drug abuse and rebellion, having recently recommitted her life to Christ. And yet another feels like she lives two lives, knowing the truth, but being easily swayed by the pressures of friends and popularity. In each story, I can find areas to relate to, but also areas that I feel completely inexperienced with. I know that God is going to challenge not only me, but the rest of the girls on my team this summer, and I'm looking forward to it. As we spend time studying Acts this summer, a verse from chapter 5 comes to mind: "So in the present case I tell you, keep away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them."
Our God is all-powerful, and if He's working here at this summer program, there's nothing that can stop Him.
Please pray for the students in the program and my team and I this summer; that we would draw near to the throne of God and find peace and comfort and a Truth that is more powerful than anything man can do or imagine.
Love, krystal.
*names have been changed
p.s. i have to admit, that i feel somewhat at home in a city that loves the Spurs as much as i do. <3
Saturday, June 5, 2010
mi vida, en espanol...
I'm heading to San Antonio on Wednesday for the start of my summer training program Viva NavVida. I'll be spending about 5 weeks as a team leader at the STP, learning, teaching, and sharing life with people who I'm sure are soon to be good friends. I also get to go to Mexico and do the same in my favorite language (the wonderful Espanol), and what could be better than that?
I expect to have a lot of fun and also be incredibly challenged...I know from experience that God takes every opportunity to grow me and challenge me, and that that process can many times be very difficult, but I'm looking forward to it and know that none of it will be in vain.
I hope to be able to keep people updated, both with blog posts and emails, so expect a couple more consistent posts in the coming weeks.
I'm excited to share my experience and the testimony that God continues to make of my life...I know that my God is a big God, and that He never disappoints. Please pray for me!
Love, krystal
I expect to have a lot of fun and also be incredibly challenged...I know from experience that God takes every opportunity to grow me and challenge me, and that that process can many times be very difficult, but I'm looking forward to it and know that none of it will be in vain.
I hope to be able to keep people updated, both with blog posts and emails, so expect a couple more consistent posts in the coming weeks.
I'm excited to share my experience and the testimony that God continues to make of my life...I know that my God is a big God, and that He never disappoints. Please pray for me!
Love, krystal
Monday, May 3, 2010
the really long last stretch...
the end of my ASU career is literally less than a day away and for some reason, i'm avoiding the only thing that's keeping me from the end....this last and final test.
i wonder if my brain secretly wants to stay in school longer.
what a traiter.
Love, krystal.
i wonder if my brain secretly wants to stay in school longer.
what a traiter.
Love, krystal.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
on a sunday afternoon
some things i love...
the smell of clean laundry
swaying trees, as they are blown by strong winds
having friends who understand your thinking, no matter how many people don't
unchapped lips
freshly painted toenails
fresh baked bread
the feeling of relief after a really big test
singing really loud in the shower
bargains
waking up whenever i want
perfect phone reception
speaking spanish
dogs that don't bark
the spurs
foreign accents
really good movies
free stuff
the feeling of just-shaved legs
listening to outstanding musicians
not being alone
missions
cute kids
when people laugh really loud for really long times
little kids with faux-hawks
being really warm under a blanket
chocolate ice cream
the feeling that you're swimming while you lay in bed after a really long day in the pool
when really good black ladies sing and gospel choirs
watching musicals on stage
making patients laugh
a clean room
good hair days
colored eyes
really soft beds
huge teddy bears
making the time to list off things i love
Love, krystal.
the smell of clean laundry
swaying trees, as they are blown by strong winds
having friends who understand your thinking, no matter how many people don't
unchapped lips
freshly painted toenails
fresh baked bread
the feeling of relief after a really big test
singing really loud in the shower
bargains
waking up whenever i want
perfect phone reception
speaking spanish
dogs that don't bark
the spurs
foreign accents
really good movies
free stuff
the feeling of just-shaved legs
listening to outstanding musicians
not being alone
missions
cute kids
when people laugh really loud for really long times
little kids with faux-hawks
being really warm under a blanket
chocolate ice cream
the feeling that you're swimming while you lay in bed after a really long day in the pool
when really good black ladies sing and gospel choirs
watching musicals on stage
making patients laugh
a clean room
good hair days
colored eyes
really soft beds
huge teddy bears
making the time to list off things i love
Love, krystal.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
descanso
God made me cry today. It was a good cry. It was a cry of relief and of peace and of joy.
I've been having an internal battle with myself for weeks now. As the end of my college career approaches, more and more questions plague me. I know that God is faithful, but I get distracted by my fear of failure. I trust that God has a plan, but I continue to consider that maybe it's all up to me.
Today, I sent my dad an email. I told him of "my" plans and the things that I've been praying about and trusting God for. I told him that I knew God was good and that I knew He wouldn't let me down. But inside, my flesh, my tendencies to assume that I will fail, nag at me.
So God, in His overwhelming love and faithfulness, reminded me once again that He sees me. And that He won't let me down.
"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!"
These are pretty much the same words I had used to tell my dad about what I was thinking.
I read these words and couldn't help but cry.
How can I fear when God is my shield? How can I doubt while His promises remain? Who am I to insist that I am the exception? I'm not. I'm God's precious daughter, and He will withhold no good thing. He will bless the one who trusts in Him. My God is good.
Love, krystal.
I've been having an internal battle with myself for weeks now. As the end of my college career approaches, more and more questions plague me. I know that God is faithful, but I get distracted by my fear of failure. I trust that God has a plan, but I continue to consider that maybe it's all up to me.
Today, I sent my dad an email. I told him of "my" plans and the things that I've been praying about and trusting God for. I told him that I knew God was good and that I knew He wouldn't let me down. But inside, my flesh, my tendencies to assume that I will fail, nag at me.
So God, in His overwhelming love and faithfulness, reminded me once again that He sees me. And that He won't let me down.
"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!"
These are pretty much the same words I had used to tell my dad about what I was thinking.
I read these words and couldn't help but cry.
How can I fear when God is my shield? How can I doubt while His promises remain? Who am I to insist that I am the exception? I'm not. I'm God's precious daughter, and He will withhold no good thing. He will bless the one who trusts in Him. My God is good.
Love, krystal.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
it's me! kind of.
i've taken enough tests and experienced enough of my life to be sure that i am an introvert. wikipedia defines introversion as "the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one's own mental life".
that sounds really self-centered, so here's a couple of other tidbits to help define it better: "They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, and using computers", "They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate", and "They are more analytical before speaking".
there, that's better. and very true about me.
however, that does not mean that i like being alone at home for hours on end. i'd much rather do my homework and study and read and do solitary activities with someone else around. at least then i can concentrate on myself without actually being by myself.
anyway. that was all i came here to say. because, surprise!, i'm at home. alone. and have been for the last several hours.
however, as long as i have your attention (whoever you are), i'll also take this time to talk a little about that myers briggs formula thing.
i know there are a lot of people who don't like to talk about it, and think it's stupid and say "i refuse to be defined by a formula". if that is you, i respect you.
i like it though. and i know that it's not an exact calculation--we all have individual characteristics and reactions and beliefs and experiences that make us into different people. however, i do feel that it has really been a good thing to look at, especially when dealing with people who i don't completely understand. and even when dealing with myself. it's a rough draft--a framework, perhaps. but i think it helps.
on that note, i am an ISFJ. an introverterted-sensing-feeling-judger. which actually makes no sense if you don't know what those words are supposed to mean.
the first: introvert, i have already defined. (the opposite of I is E, for extrovert)
the second: senser. the word in itself, i feel, does not do much to help with understanding the concept. a random website that i found says this: "S and N stand for Sensing and Intuition—indicating whether you become aware of specific facts and concrete details or prefer to focus on hunches and the big picture." i like the details. give me a vague paper topic or idea, and i will want to throw something at you; because when i work on things, i focus on the details, and if you don't give me a very specific definition, i will spend the rest of the night trying to figure out what the heck you want. it's very frustrating. it also means that i don't really have much of an imagination. the saying is that sensers see the trees and intuiters see the forest. something about a 6th sense vs the original 5 senses. crazy, i know. :)
the third: feeler. this one actually is pretty self-explanatory. the opposite of this is T for thinker. basically, my actions are very much influenced by how i feel, vs what i think might be a more logical answer. i must say, however, that i can be both. and just cuz i feel that the sun should shine everyday, doesn't mean i should leave my umbrella at home when the forecast says there's gonna be a storm. however, i have a lot of empathy and i feel for people a lot (which makes being a nurse very difficult at times). the popular question to ask is "if you were the coach of a basketball team, and only had 5 seats to fill; would you take the 5 on your team who showed the most effort and most wanted to go, OR the top 5 players?" i would definitely pick the short little guy who can't dribble a ball to save his life if i felt he wanted to be there more than the best player on the team. but that's cuz i'm a feeler.
the fourth, and last: judger. the opposite of which is P for perceiver. "indicating whether you prefer your life to be planned and like it when things are decided or prefer to go with the flow and like keeping your options open." yea. definitely a judger. i'm a fan of schedules, timeliness, knowing what's up ahead. spontaneity is NOT my middle name. i don't actually have a middle name, but that's beside the point. and though i hate making decisions, i hate it even more when i have a decision hanging over my head. i just want to know what i'm doing and when. leave the options to that perceiver over there.
that's pretty much it.
of course, these are not hard, fast rules. though i am an introvert, i can have times when i just really want to hang out with everyone in the world at the same time. and though i'm typically a senser, i might have a random and big-picture idea sometime. i'm honestly about 60% feeler and 40% thinker. and though i'd like knowing what i'm going to being doing around 5pm next thursday, there's always room for spontaneity...and i really enjoy being around people who bring that out in me.
just not all the time.
haha. just kidding, my extrovert, intuiter, thinker and perceiver friends. i still love you.
Love, krystal.
p.s. sorry the post is so long. i just noticed. :/
that sounds really self-centered, so here's a couple of other tidbits to help define it better: "They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, and using computers", "They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate", and "They are more analytical before speaking".
there, that's better. and very true about me.
however, that does not mean that i like being alone at home for hours on end. i'd much rather do my homework and study and read and do solitary activities with someone else around. at least then i can concentrate on myself without actually being by myself.
anyway. that was all i came here to say. because, surprise!, i'm at home. alone. and have been for the last several hours.
however, as long as i have your attention (whoever you are), i'll also take this time to talk a little about that myers briggs formula thing.
i know there are a lot of people who don't like to talk about it, and think it's stupid and say "i refuse to be defined by a formula". if that is you, i respect you.
i like it though. and i know that it's not an exact calculation--we all have individual characteristics and reactions and beliefs and experiences that make us into different people. however, i do feel that it has really been a good thing to look at, especially when dealing with people who i don't completely understand. and even when dealing with myself. it's a rough draft--a framework, perhaps. but i think it helps.
on that note, i am an ISFJ. an introverterted-sensing-feeling-judger. which actually makes no sense if you don't know what those words are supposed to mean.
the first: introvert, i have already defined. (the opposite of I is E, for extrovert)
the second: senser. the word in itself, i feel, does not do much to help with understanding the concept. a random website that i found says this: "S and N stand for Sensing and Intuition—indicating whether you become aware of specific facts and concrete details or prefer to focus on hunches and the big picture." i like the details. give me a vague paper topic or idea, and i will want to throw something at you; because when i work on things, i focus on the details, and if you don't give me a very specific definition, i will spend the rest of the night trying to figure out what the heck you want. it's very frustrating. it also means that i don't really have much of an imagination. the saying is that sensers see the trees and intuiters see the forest. something about a 6th sense vs the original 5 senses. crazy, i know. :)
the third: feeler. this one actually is pretty self-explanatory. the opposite of this is T for thinker. basically, my actions are very much influenced by how i feel, vs what i think might be a more logical answer. i must say, however, that i can be both. and just cuz i feel that the sun should shine everyday, doesn't mean i should leave my umbrella at home when the forecast says there's gonna be a storm. however, i have a lot of empathy and i feel for people a lot (which makes being a nurse very difficult at times). the popular question to ask is "if you were the coach of a basketball team, and only had 5 seats to fill; would you take the 5 on your team who showed the most effort and most wanted to go, OR the top 5 players?" i would definitely pick the short little guy who can't dribble a ball to save his life if i felt he wanted to be there more than the best player on the team. but that's cuz i'm a feeler.
the fourth, and last: judger. the opposite of which is P for perceiver. "indicating whether you prefer your life to be planned and like it when things are decided or prefer to go with the flow and like keeping your options open." yea. definitely a judger. i'm a fan of schedules, timeliness, knowing what's up ahead. spontaneity is NOT my middle name. i don't actually have a middle name, but that's beside the point. and though i hate making decisions, i hate it even more when i have a decision hanging over my head. i just want to know what i'm doing and when. leave the options to that perceiver over there.
that's pretty much it.
of course, these are not hard, fast rules. though i am an introvert, i can have times when i just really want to hang out with everyone in the world at the same time. and though i'm typically a senser, i might have a random and big-picture idea sometime. i'm honestly about 60% feeler and 40% thinker. and though i'd like knowing what i'm going to being doing around 5pm next thursday, there's always room for spontaneity...and i really enjoy being around people who bring that out in me.
just not all the time.
haha. just kidding, my extrovert, intuiter, thinker and perceiver friends. i still love you.
Love, krystal.
p.s. sorry the post is so long. i just noticed. :/
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
my crazy body (i know, it sounds like a funny title...but bear with me here)
i have cuts, burns(okay, maybe just one small burn), and bruises all over my body. and sometimes i notice them and can't for the life of me figure out where they came from.
i do, however, have a few theories...
1. kim inoshita. enough said.
2. sleepwalking. although i highly doubt it, it is very possible that i am just a very clumsy sleepwalker. i've never woken up somewhere that i didn't recognize, and to be honest, i usually wake up in the same sleeping position that i fell asleep in, but for all i know, i have an alter ego, and she doesn't seem to realize that solid objects aren't meant to be walked into.
3. the theory that i most believe in is this one: i am a very sensitive soul, though you may not believe it, and my feelings get hurt somewhat often (although not in an unhealthy way, i don't think)...anyway. i think my body might have learned to show my emotional hurt in physical ways. you say something about me that hurts my feelings...BOOM. a new bruise on the knee. i think you might not appreciate something i've done for you...BAM. a papercut-like wound on my hand. i think i'm really going somewhere with this idea.
4. of course, the most "obvious" theory would be that the bruise on my knee was actually caused when i hit my leg on a counter; or that the papercut on my hand was in fact created while i reorganized the papers in my folder. but i don't know. it seems too easy for me to believe. and you know the most "obvious" answer is not usually the correct one. right?
Love, krystal.
i do, however, have a few theories...
1. kim inoshita. enough said.
2. sleepwalking. although i highly doubt it, it is very possible that i am just a very clumsy sleepwalker. i've never woken up somewhere that i didn't recognize, and to be honest, i usually wake up in the same sleeping position that i fell asleep in, but for all i know, i have an alter ego, and she doesn't seem to realize that solid objects aren't meant to be walked into.
3. the theory that i most believe in is this one: i am a very sensitive soul, though you may not believe it, and my feelings get hurt somewhat often (although not in an unhealthy way, i don't think)...anyway. i think my body might have learned to show my emotional hurt in physical ways. you say something about me that hurts my feelings...BOOM. a new bruise on the knee. i think you might not appreciate something i've done for you...BAM. a papercut-like wound on my hand. i think i'm really going somewhere with this idea.
4. of course, the most "obvious" theory would be that the bruise on my knee was actually caused when i hit my leg on a counter; or that the papercut on my hand was in fact created while i reorganized the papers in my folder. but i don't know. it seems too easy for me to believe. and you know the most "obvious" answer is not usually the correct one. right?
Love, krystal.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
my bff, jee-bee (g.b.)
if you know me pretty well, you know that i love Glenn Beck.
not because everything he says is completely correct and should be taken as ultimate truth, but because the man is hilarious---and he's right at least half the time(which is more than i can say for most other political spokespersons).
i listened to his speech on CPAC several days ago and here are a couple of the brilliant things he said:
"it is still morning in America. It just happens to be kind of a head-pounding-hung-over-vomiting-for-four-hours kind of morning in America. And it’s shaping up to be kind of a nasty day, but it’s still morning in America. Now the question is: what made us, you know, sit there at the john vomiting for four hours? What is it that has taken us onto this path? What are we suffering from? What is it that has caused the problem? And if you say Obama it’s too simple of an answer because it’s not Barack Obama" (ultimately he basically calls the progressive movement Satan and claims that it has brought us to this disaster time we're in...in case you were wondering)
"Not everybody gets a trophy. What is the point of competing for a trophy if everyone gets a trophy? Please stop teaching my children that everyone will get a trophy just for participating. What is this, the Nobel Prize?" (let's just say barack and glenn are NOT bff's)
there's more stuff i can quote, but it kinda takes forever and i just want to publish this post.
anyway. glenn beck is my friend. that is all.
Love, krystal
not because everything he says is completely correct and should be taken as ultimate truth, but because the man is hilarious---and he's right at least half the time(which is more than i can say for most other political spokespersons).
i listened to his speech on CPAC several days ago and here are a couple of the brilliant things he said:
"it is still morning in America. It just happens to be kind of a head-pounding-hung-over-vomiting-for-four-hours kind of morning in America. And it’s shaping up to be kind of a nasty day, but it’s still morning in America. Now the question is: what made us, you know, sit there at the john vomiting for four hours? What is it that has taken us onto this path? What are we suffering from? What is it that has caused the problem? And if you say Obama it’s too simple of an answer because it’s not Barack Obama" (ultimately he basically calls the progressive movement Satan and claims that it has brought us to this disaster time we're in...in case you were wondering)
"Not everybody gets a trophy. What is the point of competing for a trophy if everyone gets a trophy? Please stop teaching my children that everyone will get a trophy just for participating. What is this, the Nobel Prize?" (let's just say barack and glenn are NOT bff's)
there's more stuff i can quote, but it kinda takes forever and i just want to publish this post.
anyway. glenn beck is my friend. that is all.
Love, krystal
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
flashy
i listened to commercials on the radio in spanish this morning. i could have changed the frequency..there was plenty of music available on other stations...but i preferred to listen to the spanish gibberish. or should i say spanglish gibberish.
it was actually kinda funny, and very obviously purposely spanglish, although that kinda defeats the purpose...anyway.
my first reaction was relief: that i could still understand every word. i've spoken spanish since i could form words, but i still get a little scared that having so many white friends is gonna affect my ability to speak my mother's tongue :). no offense to my white friends (who make up about 99% of them), i love you all very much. and either way...it wouldn't be your fault.
my second reaction was: i feel so special listening to a different language, and i hope everyone around me recognizes my greatness.
i know, it sounds bad...but let's be honest, we do it all the time.
like when our professors state a question in class and we mutter the answer under our breath, knowing that 3 or 4 students will hear us and be in awe when it's the correct answer...
or when we predict what's coming up in a movie right before it's revealed to us (or even better, long before it becomes obvious)...
or when we flash our really difficult-looking textbooks to all the com majors in the library...
or when we blast spanish commercials so that all the cars around us become jealous that we can understand the words coming out of the speakers too quickly for them to comprehend...
or maybe that's just me.
naw, i don't believe it.
Love, krystal
it was actually kinda funny, and very obviously purposely spanglish, although that kinda defeats the purpose...anyway.
my first reaction was relief: that i could still understand every word. i've spoken spanish since i could form words, but i still get a little scared that having so many white friends is gonna affect my ability to speak my mother's tongue :). no offense to my white friends (who make up about 99% of them), i love you all very much. and either way...it wouldn't be your fault.
my second reaction was: i feel so special listening to a different language, and i hope everyone around me recognizes my greatness.
i know, it sounds bad...but let's be honest, we do it all the time.
like when our professors state a question in class and we mutter the answer under our breath, knowing that 3 or 4 students will hear us and be in awe when it's the correct answer...
or when we predict what's coming up in a movie right before it's revealed to us (or even better, long before it becomes obvious)...
or when we flash our really difficult-looking textbooks to all the com majors in the library...
or when we blast spanish commercials so that all the cars around us become jealous that we can understand the words coming out of the speakers too quickly for them to comprehend...
or maybe that's just me.
naw, i don't believe it.
Love, krystal
Sunday, February 14, 2010
el dia de san valentin
it's valentine's day.
haha.
i'm remembering my post from last year on this very same holiday...
good times.
i don't want to be that person: the one that writes blog entries that are only like 2 sentences long, but i didn't want to not post anything today, and i'm kinda running out of time so....
SORRY!
and happy valentine's day!
haha.
i'm remembering my post from last year on this very same holiday...
good times.
i don't want to be that person: the one that writes blog entries that are only like 2 sentences long, but i didn't want to not post anything today, and i'm kinda running out of time so....
SORRY!
and happy valentine's day!
Monday, February 8, 2010
ramblings
i hate resumes.
i have a hard enough time thinking of good things about myself, but to be told to frame my experiences in a positive way and to market myself...i can't imagine it.
which is probably not good for my future.
sad day.
on a completely different note...
i need some alone time. i've had a little bit of it...here and there...but i need a long alone time. the way the semester is looking, however, it doesn't seem super probable.
i'm gonna be really tired, really soon.
but it's ok. i know God is faithful. and i trust that.
Love, krystal.
p.s. i can't wait to see my sister at the truth conference. i'm excited.
i have a hard enough time thinking of good things about myself, but to be told to frame my experiences in a positive way and to market myself...i can't imagine it.
which is probably not good for my future.
sad day.
on a completely different note...
i need some alone time. i've had a little bit of it...here and there...but i need a long alone time. the way the semester is looking, however, it doesn't seem super probable.
i'm gonna be really tired, really soon.
but it's ok. i know God is faithful. and i trust that.
Love, krystal.
p.s. i can't wait to see my sister at the truth conference. i'm excited.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
slaves of righteousness
when i was little, i used to have a recurring nightmare. it was so traumatic and consistent, that i remember it to this day.
i remember getting ready for bed and trying so hard not to think about it. i knew that as soon as i got even one small scene into my head, i wouldn't be able to sleep. but as we all know...it's almost impossible to actively forget something.
anyway. my dream. it was very simple and very short...hard to understand why it would traumatize me so much. most nights i couldn't sleep until i crawled into my parents' bed...and that wasn't always acceptable. but it was either bugging my parents or crying myself to sleep.
it started pretty normally. my sister, my mom, my grandma, and I all start out in the car at a parking lot. my mom and grandma inform me and my sister that they'd be going to the restaurant across the parking lot. a restaurant with big windows so that you could see straight into it. me and my sister were to wait by the car until they were done. ok, fine.
so, off go my mom and grandma. me and my sister are hanging out around the car, when suddenly this man comes up. he starts talking to me and my sister about his really sharp knife. at the moment, we're scared...but not completely terrified. suddenly, he grabs an orange from a tree by the car, and in order to show us just how sharp his knife is, he cuts right through it. he then grabs my sister and cuts her. and that's the end of my nightmare. there is no conclusion, he never touches me...and my mom and grandma never see a thing.
right around that time, my dream would start over...and the picture of the man cutting the orange would plague my head for minutes and hours on end.
i remember praying to God and begging him to take the nightmare away. then i would just cry.
i don't know how old i was, or how long it lasted...but i would guess i was close to 7 or 8 or even 9 years old...and i'm sure that same nightmare recurred consistently for at least a couple of months. on and off, and some weeks worse than others.
there was a time when i felt completely defeated. i couldn't take it anymore, and i couldn't bear to even get close to my bed, because i knew it would start again.
then suddenly it went away. i'm not sure when or why. but i remember being done with it one night when i could recall the dream and not let it phase me. i could remember the orange and the man and not have to live through it over and over again.
i felt so free. like a chain had been released. like i could suddenly breath after being suffocated for so long. to this day i don't completely understand what i was going through. but i know it was intense. it was terrifying, and i felt absolutely helpless.
that's a life without God.
maybe during the day, you feel okay....maybe even most of the year, you're alright. maybe for now, you're doing fine. but at night it gets tough. you run to your parents...a temporary relief, and not always willing to help...but that nightmare keeps coming back. as much as you try to avoid it, you're stuck, you're bound and helpless. you're alone. you're terrified. maybe to others, you seem okay. but when people aren't looking, you're lost. you can survive like that for a long time. maybe even for a lifetime. but, man it sucks.
and God doesn't want it that way.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1
but it doesn't end there.
"Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God."-1 Peter 2:16
i know. that was pretty intense. o well.
Love, krystal.
i remember getting ready for bed and trying so hard not to think about it. i knew that as soon as i got even one small scene into my head, i wouldn't be able to sleep. but as we all know...it's almost impossible to actively forget something.
anyway. my dream. it was very simple and very short...hard to understand why it would traumatize me so much. most nights i couldn't sleep until i crawled into my parents' bed...and that wasn't always acceptable. but it was either bugging my parents or crying myself to sleep.
it started pretty normally. my sister, my mom, my grandma, and I all start out in the car at a parking lot. my mom and grandma inform me and my sister that they'd be going to the restaurant across the parking lot. a restaurant with big windows so that you could see straight into it. me and my sister were to wait by the car until they were done. ok, fine.
so, off go my mom and grandma. me and my sister are hanging out around the car, when suddenly this man comes up. he starts talking to me and my sister about his really sharp knife. at the moment, we're scared...but not completely terrified. suddenly, he grabs an orange from a tree by the car, and in order to show us just how sharp his knife is, he cuts right through it. he then grabs my sister and cuts her. and that's the end of my nightmare. there is no conclusion, he never touches me...and my mom and grandma never see a thing.
right around that time, my dream would start over...and the picture of the man cutting the orange would plague my head for minutes and hours on end.
i remember praying to God and begging him to take the nightmare away. then i would just cry.
i don't know how old i was, or how long it lasted...but i would guess i was close to 7 or 8 or even 9 years old...and i'm sure that same nightmare recurred consistently for at least a couple of months. on and off, and some weeks worse than others.
there was a time when i felt completely defeated. i couldn't take it anymore, and i couldn't bear to even get close to my bed, because i knew it would start again.
then suddenly it went away. i'm not sure when or why. but i remember being done with it one night when i could recall the dream and not let it phase me. i could remember the orange and the man and not have to live through it over and over again.
i felt so free. like a chain had been released. like i could suddenly breath after being suffocated for so long. to this day i don't completely understand what i was going through. but i know it was intense. it was terrifying, and i felt absolutely helpless.
that's a life without God.
maybe during the day, you feel okay....maybe even most of the year, you're alright. maybe for now, you're doing fine. but at night it gets tough. you run to your parents...a temporary relief, and not always willing to help...but that nightmare keeps coming back. as much as you try to avoid it, you're stuck, you're bound and helpless. you're alone. you're terrified. maybe to others, you seem okay. but when people aren't looking, you're lost. you can survive like that for a long time. maybe even for a lifetime. but, man it sucks.
and God doesn't want it that way.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1
but it doesn't end there.
"Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God."-1 Peter 2:16
i know. that was pretty intense. o well.
Love, krystal.
Monday, January 18, 2010
i'm so human
i don't know what's wrong with me, but let me tell you---it does NOT feel good.
it's like when you feel sad and distraught, but you know that you shouldn't, and you have no REAL reason to be feeling the way you are...so you're frustrated for being frustrated.
actually it's not like that. it IS that.
it's terrible.
i guess it's okay to be emotional every now and then. but feeling weak is no fun. that's what i feel right now. i feel weak. and i feel stupid for feeling weak.
maybe it's just one of those days.
after all, school starts tomorrow...and that in itself is enough to make me want to cry.
but it's not just that. in fact, i don't think it's that at all.
a lot of things have happened to and around me in the last couple of days. maybe it's that.
yea.
maybe.
actually. i know exactly what it is.
and it's only partly stupid.
paul rejoiced in his weakness.
when you realize how very far you are from the perfection of God, it makes him that much greater.
i think tonight, i realized it just a little bit more.
rejoice.
Love, krystal.
it's like when you feel sad and distraught, but you know that you shouldn't, and you have no REAL reason to be feeling the way you are...so you're frustrated for being frustrated.
actually it's not like that. it IS that.
it's terrible.
i guess it's okay to be emotional every now and then. but feeling weak is no fun. that's what i feel right now. i feel weak. and i feel stupid for feeling weak.
maybe it's just one of those days.
after all, school starts tomorrow...and that in itself is enough to make me want to cry.
but it's not just that. in fact, i don't think it's that at all.
a lot of things have happened to and around me in the last couple of days. maybe it's that.
yea.
maybe.
actually. i know exactly what it is.
and it's only partly stupid.
paul rejoiced in his weakness.
when you realize how very far you are from the perfection of God, it makes him that much greater.
i think tonight, i realized it just a little bit more.
rejoice.
Love, krystal.
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